I sold my ex-boyfriend's grill on Craig's List. It was sitting in the backyard along with a bag of charcoal--totally unused. A nice trailer trash family came over and took it away. I'm sure it has a lovely new home now.
You would think I'd feel a sense of relief over it or a sense of a glory, but, no, it just reminded me that I lost my best friend. I think of all my boyfriends as some type of best friend and each time they leave, I tend to feel like I loose a piece of myself.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not wallowing in self pity. In fact, I am handling this break up better than the ones from the past. I went on some pretty hilarious dates just to get myself out there. Some of the guys were completely ridiculous. Went AWOL from the military, getting multiple DUIs, living at home for the last eight years, working at Red Robin at age 29, etc. I've also gone out with legitimate guys--ones with actual jobs/careers but nothing has really sparked my interest.
What am I really doing? Buying time...working on myself. Working on my career. Trying not to rush into anything. Part of me knows that I can be a difficult person. I am being brutally honest here. I find relationships challenging because they really test your beliefs. You can be friends with all types of people with extremely different beliefs than you but the game is different when it comes to an actual relationship. I've also been single on and off for the last 10 years. I survived four years of singlehood for various reasons and I could probably do it again. These days I try to do what's best for me. If that means not being relationship and working on myself--so be it.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I've made the choice to do what I am doing now. I've also realized that you have to spend most of your time entertaining yourself and making yourself happy. I know I haven't fully achieved that but am actively pursuing it. I know having a boyfriend or settling down in general will not make me happier. In some ways, being single does make me happier for some reason, I don't know why but it just does.
