Dealbreaker: I Did the Right Thing

It recently dawned on me that I made the right decision when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. 

I'm embarrassed to say that it's taken a ridiculous amount of time to recover or at least process the whole matter.  I was really, really upset about it for several months.  The first three months I felt like a total zombie while navigating my new job/career.  I did not talk to him thinking it would speed up the process.  Well, that did not happen because I spent the remaining five months pissed because I was always contacting him whenever we did talk.  Then, other things would come up at work so I would forget everything for a period of time and then they would re-surface each time things calmed down.  

Meanwhile, I went on other dates just to keep myself pre-occupied.  I didn't really go on these dates with the intention of getting into another relationship, which worked out since most of the guys I went out with were just down right hilarious (how ridiculous their stories were).  

A lot of people who I talked to since the break up used the word "dealbreaker" to describe why I broke up with him.  It's true--sexist, macho behavior is a dealbreaker for me.  I don't like sexist jokes.  I understand jokes are jokes.  I understand the locker room environment, blah, blah, blah.   However, I'm not putting up with that at my house.  This is why dating is tough.  Your significant other making sexist jokes is not the same thing as your friend making sexist jokes.  It doesn't make it okay but at the end of the day, you're not going home with that person.  

I grew up with a Tiger Dad who regularly made inappropriate comments, mostly racial but sometimes sexist comments.  So that's a dealbreaker for me.  Sometimes people wonder why I am so hard on other people when they say certain things or why I'm sarcastic or why I say the things I do, it's pretty much something I've developed over a long time.  

Frankly speaking, why would I have a kid with someone who joked about "beating, shoving and pushing" me?  Would I really want to tell a kid that "Gee, your dad told me when we were dating that it would be funny to joke about hitting me and I was cool with the joke...?"  I mean, what?? Unfortunately, as a woman, in particular, you decide how people are going to treat you.  My ex-boyfriend and I already had several discussions about my view on women and his view on women.  Apparently, none of it was productive and in recent months I started to blame myself for not walking away sooner--as in the beginning. 

I almost did but then I gave it another chance. Sigh. I liked everything else about him so I went with it.  Regardless, if you don't experience these things, you'll never know what you want or don't want.  

Don't Mess with My Reproductive Rights

The discussion over abortion and birth control of late has been rather disturbing to me.

Abortion should always be an option regardless if one chooses to abort or not. I don't know what some of these right-wing wackos (e.g Rick Santorum) are thinking but it's not the 1950s anymore. A lot of people don't get married these days if they get pregnant or don't want to take on the responsibility of a raising of a child. And let me rephrase this, even if they want to take on the responsibility, they probably aren't fit to parent at this point in their lives. Personally, I am 32 years old and I can tell you that I am not fit to parent for a variety of reasons. Yes, I am sure I am capable of having a kid. However, should I do it? Just because it's the tradition of the human race to reproduce doesn't mean I have to uphold that tradition.

Furthermore, Kimberly Yee, the only Asian American woman to ever be elected to the Arizona Legislature, is a disgrace. She is the sponsor of a bill that would ban most abortions after 20 weeks, according to this article: http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/news/articles/2012/03/09/20120309arizona-abortion-bill-stirs-debate-fetal-pain.html

A fetus can feel pain after 20 weeks? What? Does that mean we have to bring that fetus into this world? Believe me, I am aware of the fact that a woman will suffer psychologically and physically after an abortion. It's not a decision that should be made lightly. However, does that mean we should eliminate most abortions?

As for birth control and the notion of these religious organizations not including contraceptives as part of their health insurance coverage is just ludicrous. A lot of young people would have had five kids by now if birth control did not exist. I'm sorry to break the news to everyone, but it's pretty common for young people to have sex before they're married, including some of those who are religious. And even for the purposes of family planning, birth control should certainly be an option. Do you really want to devote your hard-earned tax dollars to single mothers on welfare?

More later.

The Past Six Months

It's been a loooonng six months. Lots of changes. A new job/career that's taken up a lot of time. The stereotype of teachers being these frumpy old ladies who say things like "children, settle down now" must be erased. It's so much more than what people think it is.

Working at a school has also got me thinking about the fact that I'm just not dying to have kids any time soon. They're cute and are much more honest than adults but having my own is still not high priority. As for teenagers, some of them are a total nightmare. Key word: SOME. Others are great. Some are just trying to figure out the world in front of them and it's interesting watching them figure it all out.

Epiphany

I just realized today that I don't want to settle down any time soon. I'm turning 32 next month and it's got me thinking about what in the world I'm doing with my life.

Honestly, I don't think it'll be for a long time or ever. I have no desire to marry a nice Asian American engineer/doctor/businessman and raise Asian American kids who speak perfect English. Nor do I have any desire to marry a geeky white guy and have perfect looking half Asian American children. I do not care to join another family regardless of their ethnic background.

I am not interested in being a Tiger parent. The only way I know how to raise kids is by verbally abusing them. I'll spare the therapy bills and emotional scars. I have no desire to stand in a kitchen and serve food night after night. I'm not going to become superwoman and balance a career and kids. I can't multitask very well so I'm just not going to do it.

I like my freedom too much to give it up. Sorry, society, this is what I've decided.

Why Jeremy Lin is Such a Big Deal

Seeing Jeremy Lin’s storybook rise to fame is almost as exciting as seeing Obama become the president of the United States.

For those of you who don’t understand the importance of Jeremy Lin’s rise to fame is such a big deal to some of us, let me explain here.

For the first time in my life, I see someone who is just like me in mainstream America. His parents are from Taiwan just like mine. He was born and raised in the United States just like me. And his face is plastered all over televisions across America, my home country. Believe me, Asian Americans like me rarely see people like ourselves doing anything in the media beyond the usual stereotypes.

What struck me about Jeremy Lin is not only that he’s like me but his story hits home. My cousin, a former college baseball player who was born and raised in Dallas, Texas also encountered racism when a coach refused to play him because of his race. My uncle who is Taiwanese like Lin’s dad coached him through out my cousin’s youth traveling all over Texas playing Little League and skipping out on Chinese school.

Not only are people seeing Lin in mainstream America, but he is a star in the NBA. Is he overrated, does he lack experience, has he not done enough, well, guess what? The fact there’s any attention on an Asian American in the limelight is so amazing to me that I’m almost breathless. For once, an Asian American is being recognized for doing something that most of America is actually impressed by. Frankly speaking, like it or not, success in the eyes of the American public means making it in politics and pop culture because those are the only ways to influence the masses in this country.

Oh, if he was black then no one would care. No, people would not care as much. But let’s face it, the concept of an Asian American boy who can jump is so incredibly strange to America that everyone is awe. Of course, Asian American athletes are not a brand new idea. The first person of color in the NBA was Japanese American. But most of America is clueless, they only see what they are presented.

What I love about Lin is that he’s an articulate Asian American who obviously took a huge risk and he’s living his dream. And he actually said out loud that he embraces the fact that he is Asian American is music to my ears. Who else has done that?

Growing up in Arizona, I did not have any Asian American role models. I did not have any Asian American teachers who grew up like me. I was always caught somewhere between the white world, other minorities and mainstream America. I was fortunate to have some Chinese teachers at my weekend Chinese school who could at least teach me the basics of my heritage language. However, they were not like me. Believe me, it doesn’t matter how Chinese I become at this point, I will never be the real deal. I lived in China for a year and my Chinese is significantly better than it once was but I know I will never be the real deal.

Thus, it’s important for me to see people like to me to succeed in America. This is where I will be for the rest of my life. Folks like me will never truly be accepted in Asia but we should be accepted in the United States because we are FROM here. Unfortunately, until we have numerous Asian American NBA stars, rock stars, politicians, etc., then we will not be seen as regular Americans. It’s just the ugly truth.

And for those of you who have mocked our Facebook posts or hate the fact there’s another comment about Linsanity, people have no idea what it’s like to be Asian American. The forgotten minority. The industrious but mute minority. We are a mix of Asian blood and Americanness who are proud of our heritage yet are part of the American fabric just like anyone else. And for those Asian Americans who do not care, could you for once be proud in solidarity?

Regardless, seeing Jeremy Lin driving the ball across the court, watching him being interviewed on television and just seeing all of the discussions that have occurred publicly about his race is something I will never forget in this life time.

Make It Go Away

Despite the fact that I have no desire to settle down or be in another relationship, I still have moments where I really, really, really miss my ex-boyfriend.

I am the dumper. The bad guy. The one who caused it all. I wish I could report that I ran off with another guy or now I'm madly in love another guy who I met after the break up or that my life is so much better without him. In some ways, my life is still good and better than it was last year. In some ways, it kind of sucks. I may never see him again because he moved back to California and we may never be friends. In the long run, I think I made the right decision. I'm not ready to settle down, I am unsure if I want to have kids, etc. Just lots of uncertainties in general. It just really hurts in the short run.

I'm coming up on 32 and birthdays now seem to be a re-evaluation of life in general. I know that I still have a ways to go with my career and I'm doing everything I can to get there. Therefore, I've decided that I don't really want to spend too much time with a guy. I know what it's like to have a boyfriend. I mean by this point I've had all types of boyfriends to know what that's like. I know I still have it in me to have another relationship. For awhile, I wasn't even sure if I could sustain another relationship. I know I still have it in me to meet other guys. I just can't right now, which makes me feel like I'm stuck and I can't move on from the whole thing. Plus, I don't want to have too much drama before the end of the school year, which is June 1. So from now until June 1, I will devote my time to myself. I still plan on going back on my various dates -- I still have 42 to go. But not right now.

My Take On Valentine's Day and Why Thanksgiving is Better

I've never been a fan of Valentine Day's. Even when I did celebrate it, I always thought it was a ridiculous holiday. If you love someone, you should be showing that more than once a year.

It's a commercialized holiday that puts stress on everyone. If you don't have a Valentine, then you feel bad. If you do have one, then you have to figure out what to buy them. If you're a gal, in particular, people will want to know if you have a Valentine or what your significant other gave you on Valentine's Day. I swear the only other people who care about this are other women. "Other women" in general are the worst. They are the same women who want to know if you're married or not, will you have kids or not, or ask you any other stupid, domestic-related questions.

If you're a guy, you have to buy whatever it is that you think is a good Valentine's Day present and hope the girl will like it. And if you're a guy in a long-term relationship, you've probably totally forgotten it's Valentine's Day and are scrambling at the last minute to buy something or you're figuring out dinner reservations.

What a waste of energy for everyone.

I actually had a great Valentine's Day last year. It was the first time I had celebrated the holiday in four years. Yes, FOUR YEARS. Believe me, four years is a long-ass time not to date anyone at all. I would not recommend it. I have a good excuse though. I moved to another state, another country and back here. It wasn't like I was sitting around not doing anything.

My ex-boyfriend and I had just started going out and we were hanging out the weekend prior to the holiday. While we were at the grocery store, he kept asking me what time I was getting off work. In fact, he asked me twice, which I thought was really odd that I had to repeat myself.

Anyways, I get home from work, drove into the garage and while I'm shutting the garage door, he comes out of nowhere. I can't remember what he said, but I just remember being extremely startled and saying "Oh my gawd." Yep, there he was on my doorstep, waiting for me with two balloons that had "I Love You" (which kind of freaked me out) printed on them. It was awesome. I still have the balloons even though we're not going out anymore. We couldn't go to dinner because I was taking my last class in a master's program that I started six years ago (extremely lucky they let me finish the program) and I had a paper that was due at midnight.

I don't get presents from boyfriends that often so they always mean a lot to me. I really don't care how much they cost or what is given to me. I'm not one of those girls, I guess. Re-living my past Valentine's Day today is painful though in the sense that it does remind me once again that we're not together anymore. Sigh.

I was listening to the radio a few days ago on my way to work and this DJ said that 70 percent of women who are in relationships are dissatisfied with what their significant others give them on Valentine's Day. I'm thinking, "Wow, I was so incredibly excited that I got two balloons." Clearly, I have low expectations when it comes to Valentine's Day presents. I mean no need to roll out the red carpet for me, I'll take anything. I do have high expectations when it comes to other matters though. This year, of course, I didn't get anything but I got lots of unhealthy snacks since I work at a school so that made it slightly better.

All in all, I would say that Thanksgiving is a much better holiday in general. Everyone eats, we give thanks, watch football, sleep, go shopping, etc. Less stress. No one needs a date or to buy presents. Talk about making things easier on ourselves.

Thoughts about J.D. Hokoyama's Inspirational Words

J.D. Hokoyama compared Asian Americans to Ralph Ellison's The Invisible Man in his speech last night at a banquet for an organization for Asian American professionals (the org is by no means exclusive and has plenty of non-Asian American members). He said we're seen as the nice, quiet, model minority types who are supposedly silently succeeding in America.

He had a few suggestions for us to be successful:

-Be comfortable with yourself. Being comfortable with yourself will allow other people to be comfortable with you. And these days you can still be successful while being proud of where your roots, you background, your whatever.

He was, of course, preaching to the choir at the banquet. The people who he really needed to talk to are not in that organization. Either they are embarrassed about their backgrounds, which I'm sorry to say plenty of Asian Americans are like that here in the U.S. or they think are white or black. Seriously. You think I'm joking but that's what some people think. What I want to say is Hello! You're Asian American. You're not Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc. You're Asian American. You're a hybrid and you should be proud of it. Obviously you're not, which is why you're pretending to be something else you're not.

Personally, I don't like being called Asian or Chinese because that's not really who I am. I am Asian American. It embodies everything about me. Sure, I'm Chinese by blood, I don't deny that at all. It's not that I'm not proud of my heritage but I lived in China for a year, studied the language and the culture extensively, so I am aware of the fact that at the end of the day I am not that Chinese. This has nothing to do with speaking the language. I'm talking about my values, what my culture is (hybrid), what I've experienced, the way I think, etc.

I've noticed since I've moved back from China that I see certain things differently compared to my Chinese American peers. When I tell some of them that they aren't really that Chinese, they have no idea what I'm talking about. Being Chinese isn't just about working really hard or doing well academically or pinching your pennies. It's about a thought process, maintaining all of your relationships with people and functioning collectively.

-Develop the skills you need to become successful.

Obviously, that's a given. But knowing about as much as you can because when you get to the decision-making table, YOU WILL HAVE AN OPINION and people actually value what you're talking about it. IMAGINE THAT. Asian Americans who are not just good worker bees but LEADERS in our own country. It's about time.

And people wonder why I haven't settled down yet. IT'S CUZ I'M STILL DEVELOPING THOSE SKILLS. Am I behind the curve? Nope. I know myself. I can't be super woman and do all of those things because I would just be a wreck. That's another topic for another time.

Here's Hokoyama's bio:

http://www.naaapconvention.org/2011/SpeakerProfiles/JDHokoyama.aspx

Teaching

I am fairly certain I won't really know how I feel about teaching until after this school year is over. There are good days and bad days. There are days when I think I know what I'm doing and there are other days when the kids are nuts. I'm getting better at disciplining them although I still have more to learn.

Everyone says your first year is your toughest. I've survived thus far. I have four months left and I haven't cried just yet. I get really bad PMS every month and I've tried really, really hard not to scream at them when I feel like shit. I'm glad I didn't start teaching when I was 22 though. I'm a lot tougher now than I used to be but at the same time I'm probably a lot less tolerant of bullshit in general.

I realize that 14/15 is a tough age. You're becoming an adult but you're not one yet. You're no longer a little kid and you're testing your boundaries. I'm not used to working with teenagers so there's a learning curve for me as well. I'm trying though so give me some credit, please.