I am really excited that 2011 is almost over. It was quite a year. Way too much happened. I am really, really, really hoping that 2012 will be a positive year. I am hopeful. Please, let it be a better year.
Accomplishments of 2011
1. Got a new job after the contract wasn't renewed from my old job. Frankly speaking, I was not happy my old job so I think it worked out for the best.
2. Started teaching high school students for the first time. It was really challenging but I'm somehow doing it. My job also has benefits and I'm learning a lot! It's worth it. Perhaps K-12 education is not glamorous but it is rewarding.
3. Had to go through break up while working my new job. I don't care what any one says but break ups are never easy.
4. I think I made the right call with the break up. Again, I don't care if everyone else is settling down. I'm trying to make the best, long-term decisions that I can. Yeah, of course, you're going to slightly envious of other couples but single life is just as awesome.
5. Got my master's degree in Public Administration after starting the program six years ago. Yes, now I have two master's degrees. Way more than I ever expected.
6. I'm starting to have a better sense of when I'm about to burn out. I'm trying to figure out when that is and to avoid over extending myself. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
New Year's Resolutions for 2012
1. Work out more. Yes, it's an obvious one. I was only working out on weekends since August 2011 because of my new job. Now I would like work out at least one work day per week.
2. Go to yoga once a week. I am really trying not to be so stressed out and anxious.
3. Continue hiking regularly.
4. Be more positive. In 2011, I started writing about three positive things that happened to me daily. It was actually helpful in putting things in perspective. Nothing is the end of the world. Just because you lose your job, don't have a dude, don't own a house, haven't made $200K, etc. doesn't mean that your life is hopeless.
5. Prioritize. If something's important, do it. If not, don't worry about it. Get better at planning.
6. Don't take things so personally. People just say stupid shit. I think I'm getting better at this after teaching high school kids from South Phx. They'll insult you in class and then they are totally friendly toward you after class. (This is especially important when I get asked the "Are you married/do you have a boyfriend" question. Screw them. They are not living your life. They're just as curious and probably not as progressive, frankly. I personally do not run around asking such questions. I think it's invasive and that's not how I judge people).
7. Write more. e.g. Write one freelance article related to Asian Americans.
8. Don't let other people get you down. They don't know about your life-- where you've been, what you've done, what you've seen, what you see in the future.
9. Look into starting a business or develop more business skills.
10. Continue writing about my dating adventures. Possible story in the future.
11. Watch all the movies and books that you've wanted to watch/read.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Single Folks at Weddings
Going to weddings without a date has been the norm for me for several years now (ages 27-31). It is a fact of life. Furthermore, when a friend of mine who technically became my date at the last wedding I attended this past Saturday, I almost felt like I was ruining my streak. More details on the "technically" part in a second.
I've actually had quite a bit of fun sitting at the same table with all of the single people whether I am in Phoenix, Tucson or Seattle. I never have to bring anyone with me who doesn't know anyone else and is bored out of his skull or isn't dateworthy at all but I had to drag a warm body with me. Nope. I think single people at this age all have a common understanding with one another, it's almost like an immediate bond that we share that goes without saying. Going to a wedding by myself was something I worried more about in my early 20s, as in This really sucks and I'm going to go home and cry myself to sleep afterward. So far, I've actually felt pretty good after all of these weddings. Granted part of this is because I've always known at least one group of people at these weddings so that helps out a lot. Or maybe it's the alcohol that helps in general. Who knows?
My "technical" date meant we showed up at the wedding separately. The most time we spent together was for about 20 minutes when we ate dinner at the same table. I was "networking" before dinner with the justice of the peace who married my friend and her fiance. She also has a MPA degree and knows one of my bosses. My date spent the rest of the evening after dinner networking. It was his work crowd since him and my friend's fiance are in the same industry. Makes sense to me. At this point, if you're not married, you are probably working feverishly at your career. Not to say married people aren't career oriented by any means but if you're single in your 30s/40s it's most likely your career is a priority.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Marriage as an Institution
If you ask me, marriage as an institution is dying....
Check out this article:
Check out this article:
Six Dates and Counting....
Here is the story I wrote recently.....one of my New Year's Resolutions is to freelance and write more so this is part of it...perhaps I will attempt to write an e-book or try to get an actual story published versus an article or write a screenplay....we'll see....I'm trying to research the chick lit genre further.
Six Dates and Counting….
Kerry Lee, the cute but not hot Asian American gal, had been having a fascinating conversation on the Internet with a guy she was about to meet. It just happened to be her day off and she actually had time to curl her hair. Decked out in a leopard print top, black jeans and her cowboy boots from Target, she opened the back door to The Branch, her neighborhood bar, and strolled in.
Just for a split second, a thought crossed her mind. “Could he be the one?” He was definitely cute and she thought: “Is this Bobby Lee-look alike from Mad TV really the same guy online making her laugh hysterically while also having a semi-intellectual conversation with her about Asian Americans at the same time?” No, she couldn’t have such crazy thoughts about him being the one, but she was still blown away nevertheless.
It had been four years since her last boyfriend and she really didn’t know what to think about guys and dating anymore. Apparently she was about to learn about some of the changes to the dating game when people hit their 30s.
“Wow, you look beautiful,” Danny Kim said. Danny was Korean-American originally from Los Angeles and had moved to Arizona to start his own fast food joint in west Phoenix.
Kerry immediately thought: Smooth talker. Possibly full of shit.
“You said not to dress up….” Danny reminded her as they sat down. Danny was wearing a baseball cap, jeans and skater shoes of some sort. Lord, Kerry, said to herself, I really haven’t changed at all. Even though she was 31 and here she was talking to a 32-year-old, she was still looking at someone she may have dated 10 years ago. Two of her boyfriends back in her late teens and early 20s had been skaters.
But for whatever reason, Kerry was smitten. When the server came by, she immediately ordered a beer because she was NERVOUS. When was the last time she was nervous about a guy? Nervous about work. Nervous about networking. Nervous about a job interview. But not nervous about guys in general.
Kerry gripped the pint glass as they chatted. She felt her heart start to race. If you asked her why she was attracted to Danny, she couldn’t explain it. But all she knew was he looked better than his photos online and she wanted to hang out again.
***
Kerry and Danny’s relationship was progressing for several months until the day Danny joked about “beating, pushing, shoving” Kerry. Kerry was stressed out in general. The contract for her job had not been renewed. She needed to look for a new job. That last class in grad school was gnawing at her. Kerry had already called Danny out on his view of women when they first met. “But I love women.” She had occasionally been irritated by his dark sense of humor. Laughing at domestic violence, even admitting at one point that he didn’t really read books written by female authors and making sexist and racist comments that she found unacceptable. Kerry was done. She knew that this was something she could not live with permanently.
Meanwhile, Danny’s fast food restaurant was crumbling. He also started looking for work. Danny eventually landed a job in the entertainment industry in L.A. and moved home with his parents to start paying off his debt.
Kerry was not heart broken but the break up still hurt. She tuned out the rest of the world of her friends and peers who were all settling down into domesticity. Kerry was convinced she wanted to work on her career and date randomly.
She forced herself back into the dating world after Danny moved. She really didn’t want to be in a relationship again for various reasons. However, Kerry needed to get over Danny. For whatever reason, it was easier said than done.
She just wished that she could get rid of the memories of Danny. Three months after the break up she was entirely sick of thinking about him. He was negative, fat, smoked too much, snored too loud, ate too much and she knew in her heart that he was not the right guy. But something kept tugging at her. Was it loneliness or perhaps longing to be with a guy? He was everything she wanted superficially. Hilarious, could talk to anyone, could probably handle himself in most situations that Kerry would encounter and he’d be fine, he was responsible and dependable, he could fix things around house, fix the car and he could talk about Asian American issues, one of Kerry’s interests.
Why did she still feel sore? The break up felt like an annoying mosquito bite that wouldn’t go away. After going to two parties on Halloween weekend, it reminded her of the fact that last Halloween Danny had messaged her online about her “sexy” judge costume that she wore to a party last year that was actually her friend’s college graduation gown. Sadly, her and Danny never made it to any major holidays but perhaps that was a good thing.
The day of Halloween, Kerry was driving home on the freeway from her new job as an English teacher at an inner city high school when she felt the hot tears rolling down her cheeks. Sigh. She was still moping. She hated that. Moping. She still couldn’t fully focus on anything. Her thoughts still drifted to Danny. The cute chubby Korean-American boy that caused her to think about if she really wanted to reproduce. Much of this came from him bringing it up – not her. Sometimes she even felt stressed out about the fact she needed to decide yes or no about having a kid. Kerry totally loved Danny as much as she could in the few months they were together but at this point in Kerry’s life she had been hurt enough personally and professionally that it was hard to dive head first into the relationship.
***
After six dates, she had to report back to her friend, Teresa.
“Hey, grrrlllll, how’s the dating scene?” Teresa asked in her high-pitched Valley girl voice. Teresa was always chipper and always had something to say about dating.
“Details, details, Kerry, I want details.”
“Well, let’s see, hmmm, six dates,” Kerry said.
“Six dates,” Teresa shrieked. “Six dates and you haven’t called me!!”
“Hold your horses, chick-ee, I’ve been busy with my new job teaching crazy teenagers the wonders of the English language, which is the best form of birth control, I tell ya, networking, working on my book, committee work for the Phoenix Organization of Writers, going to the gym to keep up this hot piece of ass and lord knows what else, oh, stupid crap with my house,” Kerry said.
“Tell me about more about these guys, where are they from, white guys? Asian? Mexican? I need more,” Teresa said.
“Six guys, one Korean American, two white guys, one half white, half Korean, one Egyptian who moved here when he was 17, one half Puerto Rican, half Native American from all over the U.S.,” Kerry said.
“And a partridge in a pear tree,” Teresa added.
After the break up, Kerry hopped back onto the Internet and reposted her profile. Shortly thereafter, a Korean American boy from Mesa contacted her. It turned out he was friends with Kerry’s piano teacher’s daughter from first grade. They went out. He reminded her too much of a previous boyfriend, a stereotypical geeky Chinese American boy who worked in IT and loved video games. Plus, it had only been a month after the break up and she just wasn’t ready.
Then came Ben, the half white, half Korean kid from Peoria.
“Ooohh, he sounds hot, you know those half Asian types are the best,” Teresa chimed in.
“You just wait until I tell you about this piece of work,” Kerry snapped.
What was it with these Korean American men? The Korean American population in Phoenix consisted of five people. And she had already met half of them online. At this point, Kerry was done with Korean food and anything related to Korea for the next five years.
On the phone, while discussing where they should meet, Ben made the statement, “Mill Avenue, Mill Avenue, Mill Avenue is in Mesa.” Kerry wanted to say Ben: “Anyone who has lived in Phoenix for more than three weeks knows that Mill Avenue is in Tempe!” That should have been clue number one.
Once Kerry and Ben actually met at a natural history museum in Mesa, it just went downhill from there. Ben looked cute in his photos but he looked okay in person. Then they started talking and walking through the museum. While they looked at pictures of stalactites in caves, Ben proceeded to tell Kerry within 30 minutes of meeting that he went AWOL from the military after Sept. 11 because he disagreed with what was going on in the military and just left one day. He said he was discharged from the military and then he came back to Phoenix to live with his parents. This meant he’d been living with his parents for the last eight years and is now a 29-year-old server at Red Robin!
After they moved into the astronomy room of the museum, Kerry decided that she was entirely bored. But since she made the trip out to downtown Mesa, she was going to make it worth it by walking around downtown. They walked into an antiques store and she listened to more of Ben’s mumbo jumbo. Ben tried to justify why he was living at home and talked about his other friends who were also 29 and living at home. Then, he talked about how disrespectful they were to their parents. The kicker was when Kerry told Ben she needed to leave. Ben, shamelessly asked, “I have a favor to ask of you.”
“What’s that?” Kerry asked.
“Can I get a ride to Mill Avenue?” Kerry gave Ben a puzzled look. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I can’t drive…..” Ben said.
“How did you get here?” Kerry asked
“Oh, my mom, dropped me off,” Ben said slowly.
“Your mom dropped you off?? Wait…you can’t drive?! I’m confused.”
“Well, I got a DUI, my license is suspended.”
“Wait, hold on, how many DUIs do you have?” Kerry was relying on information she had picked up from her days as a crime reporter where she had gone on several DUI ride-a-longs with the police department.
“This is my second one. I was on my way home….”
“Okay, okay, I get it,” Kerry cut him short. “Get in the car….”
“Drunks are always on their way home,” Kerry muttered under her breath. Luckily, Kerry was in a good mood that day. It was Ben’s lucky day—Kerry would have ripped him into shreds for wasting her time had she been PMSing.
“Oh, gawd,” Teresa said five times. “Wow. Unbelievable.”
“Yeah, I was pretty amused. I mean I know that there’s this stereotype that half Asian kids are ridiculously beautiful and intelligent. Well, talk about having ‘the worst of both worlds,’” Kerry said.
“Seriously, so much for those hot hapas,” Teresa laughed. “Okay, tell me more.”
“So, apparently since I have a master’s degree and technically I have two of them, I do, in fact, get some educated guys after you weed through all of the garbage on those free online dating Web sites. I’m not paying for any of that stuff—yet. And I’m not asking for any PhDs but apparently they’re seeking me out,” Kerry said. “Having been in academia for a few years now and after living with a few PhD students, I’ll be frank, I don’t get terribly excited about people with PhDs. Having a college degree or at least some college is great. Anything beyond that I could care less about.”
First came the white PhD student from Vermont who was studying clinical psychology at the local university and the recent PhD graduate in bioengineering who just moved to Phoenix from Pennsylvania.
“I’m going to have to get on my soap box about some of these guys. The average white guy is incredibly boring to me. The average white guy watches football, plays one pick-up sport, has five friends he drinks beer with on weekends, has been out of the country once to Cancun, went to college at some large state university, blah, blah, blah,” Kerry said. “I just went out with two white guys. In terms of education, they were above average. And don’t accuse me of not going out with white guys. Nothing was really wrong with them but I just didn’t connect with either of them. I’ll be the first to tell you I am hard to impress. Just because you’re white doesn’t mean I’m going to kiss the ground you walk on. Heck no. I dated a white, artsy-fartsy, pot-smoking musician for six months when I was living in Tucson in my mid-20s and he was cool but the sex was, well, boring and I also hooked up with, oh wait, never mind…”
“Daammmnnn, chica, what about this whole notion that white guys will treat you better?” Teresa asked.
“It wouldn’t be any better if you’re asleep,” Kerry retorted. “They were both polite, articulate, did all the right things, paid for the drink or the meal, walked me to my car, but I just didn’t feel any sort of connection to either of them. They were decent looking but I wasn’t dying to hang out again. Ya know?”
“What about the other two?” Teresa asked.
Kerry chuckled.
“What?? Do tell.” Teresa said.
“Where do I start?” Kerry said.
There was the engineer by day/musician on the weekends who was totally, totally cute. This one had moved to Alabama from his native Egypt where he got his bachelor’s and master’s degrees in engineering. Then, he married a girl from the United States.
“He’s divorced?” Teresa asked
“Yes, and he’s 28.” Kerry said.
They got divorced because of cultural differences.
“As in Egyptian culture is too patriarchal, blah, blah,” Kerry explained.
“Oh, geez,” Teresa said.
“But here’s the best part, his goal right now besides having a family with kids at some point is to get his American citizenship,” Kerry said.
“What?? Didn’t he marry a girl from the U.S? Teresa asked.
“Yes, but he said he didn’t marry her for that. Unbelievable. He said, ‘Oh, my family, kept telling me I should get it but that’s not why I married her.’ Unreal. I mean they were only married for a year and he said he knew after a month that it wasn’t going to work,” Kerry said. “He shared all of that with me on the FIRST date AND he also asked me if I got mad. Ooohhh….”
Yes, Kerry gets mad and yells at people. Of course this was all within reason. “Oh, so you stand up for yourself?” cute Egyptian boy asked. YES, ESPECIALLY IN RELATIONSHIPS. More so than anywhere else. Everything is on the line in a relationship. You sleep with me then you’re going to know all about me. The good, the bad and the ugly. End of story. Yes, Kerry can be bitch. No, Kerry is not a doormat. Even her high school students at the inner city school knew not to mess with Ms. Lee. They even said they would not want to get into a fight with her. Ms. Lee may be from the suburbs but she’s a fireball if provoked. Does Kerry have issues? Yes, Kerry has issues. Don’t we all?
“Whoa, Kerry, you are intense,” Teresa said.
“I’ll tell you about my favorite,” Kerry said. “But, I do have to add that the Egyptian guy was worth talking to for an hour. I would have totally made out with him if I had the opportunity to do so. And, as a side note, Teresa, he asked me about online dating in general. Basically, he was talking about all of the freaks out there. He had a girl invite him to her house on the first date. No joke.”
“Well, thank gawd, I have Jeff, I can’t imagine dealing with the nut cases out there,” Teresa said.
The “armydoctor” sent her a message on an online dating site. Nearly all of the guys she met online initiated contact. Kerry had tried to message other guys but that never seemed to work. It turned out that the “armydoctor” was a PhD student at the local university who had just done four tours in the Middle East. The half Puerto Rican, half native American had spent the past decade in the Army and was now teaching while researching educational technology.
“Talk about too aggressive. This guy couldn’t stop staring at me when I showed up at the restaurant. He said at one point, ‘Wow, you’re not 200 pounds” because apparently he went out with a girl who was 120 pounds in her pictures but turned out to be 200 pounds,” Kerry said. “On the phone, before we even met, he said ‘If we date, I would want you to carry around mace,’ after I told him I teach at an inner city school. Totally ridiculous. Talk about wanting to be in control.”
After lunch, Kerry suggested they check out Bookman’s down the street. “Armydoctor” had the audacity to pick up a cookbook titled “Asian All the Time” and show it to her and said, “I want to date a high school English teacher who is Asian.”
“I felt like I was in some sort of porn-type movie,” Kerry said. “And HE was the one who suggested we should hang out again at HIS HOUSE.”
“You just didn’t like his style, Kerry, some girls are into guys like that,” Teresa said.
“Well, I’m not, I like to be the one who suggests things, and I usually am the one who is, I know people see me and think ‘Ooooo, nice, little Asian American girl, but, shit, people, I call the shots,’ I’ve always called the shots with all of my boyfriends.”
Armydoctor’s Asian fetish came out during their second meeting at a coffee shop. He suddenly moved into Kerry’s personal space within 10 minutes of seeing her. Kerry told him to move back. The only reason Kerry went out with him again was because he kept calling her. At one point, he left a message asking, “Are you mad at me?” Seriously, Armydoctor. I don’t even know you.
After Kerry told him to move back, the conversation took a turn. He wanted to talk about his feelings. What? We just met. Then, he told she must be inexperienced (total bullshit, Kerry’s personal space was only for guys she was really into) or that she was not attracted to him (partially true then it became entirely true). Then he started to talk about his last relationship with a Vietnamese girl who lived in Oklahoma. Why did you guys break up? Kerry asked. She didn’t want to settle down. Oh, how old is she? 20. 20, who in their right mind would want to settle down at that age? She can’t even drink legally! Well, I’m young at heart, I like cruising, going to clubs, listening to music. Kerry frowned. I wanted to marry her but she didn’t want to settle down. How long were you dating for? Oh, we were friends with benefits. What? When did you guys break up? Three weeks ago. Three weeks ago! What? Haven’t you been online for longer than three weeks? Oh, I’ve been online my entire life. Kerry concluded that Armydoctor was full of shit.
Kerry decided she would walk Armydoctor to his car. I really like Asian girls. What??? Why? I just think they’re more family oriented, they’re polite, all of my best relationships have been with Asian girls. Enough, I don’t like being seen in some weird exotic light. I’m the wrong type of girl for you then. I’m not even interested in having kids or getting married and I can be a total bitch. Oh, well, neither am I, and I don’t think you’re a bitch, you should come over and I’ll cook dinner for you. Right. This is not going to work. There are plenty of other Asian girls out there who will buy into that shit. Kerry got a text and another phone call the week after before he got the hint.
Kerry detested Asian fetish types. She luckily hadn’t come across one in quite some time so it was going to happen again sooner or later. Kerry could care less about white guys who speak Chinese or any other Asian language or had some sort of strange affinity for anything Asian.
“The majority of the Asian American guys in Arizona are not dateable. Most of the Asian Americans guys I’ve dated are Arizona transplants who have grown up in other parts of the United States with larger Asian American populations, meaning bigger cities, and I’m not moving to California or anywhere else for that matter so I can live with my parents or have 10 roommates in the ghetto,” Kerry said. “For the most part I’m not dating anyone from Asia nor do I want to date a guy who has an Asian fetish. Any Asian American girl has been dealing with this shit her entire life.”
“I hear ya, Kerry. That’s why I only go for the white meat,” Teresa said.
“I’m sorry but there are not just too many cultural issues. Don’t get me wrong, there are some attractive guys in Asia and I know there are exceptions, but for the most part, I wouldn’t even go there,” Kerry said. “I mean it would be nice to have a Chinese language partner at my house 24-7 like the white guys or the Asian American guys who can end up with women from Asia. Frankly speaking, in the history of the world, I’ve never heard of an Asian American girl who ends up with a guy from Asia,”
“You’re just too complicated, Kerry. I only go for white guys with money,” Teresa giggled. “I’m a total stereotype. I’m a total gold digger. Now, I ain’t sayin she a gold digger…”
Did Kerry have to go through 10 more break ups in the next decade? By then, she’d be 41. The time spent recovering from relationships could be spent on networking, getting in better shape, developing new skills, working on her book, talking to publishers instead of crying and moping. But maybe she’d have a book published by then? Would it be worth it? Ten break ups and her name and lots of her words in print? Did it matter if there wasn’t a dude with her at her book signings or the annual holiday parties? It’s not as though that would count against her on a resume.
Are relationships overrated? It’s not as though Kerry only had bad relationships.
Kerry had been loved once. Her college boyfriend, Corey, and her spent three years together and every minute of it was worth it. Corey wrote songs about Kerry, they wrote letters to each other every summer, especially when Kerry was abroad one summer, they talked about everything and were best of friends. They would get into fights on occasion but they were always able to figure things out. Corey made Kerry a better person. Sadly, Corey moved back to Hawai’i after he graduated from college. And Kerry wasn’t ready to settle down at 22. Since then, the only person that came even close to what Kerry experienced with Corey was Danny.
Back then, she had big dreams. She wanted to be a reporter and work for The New York Times. Kerry was convinced that was her focus in life—not settling down. The only thing she could think about when she was 25 besides going out was how to further her career. The last thing on her mind was having a serious relationship that would lead to marriage. Moreover, there were too many bumps along the way of her career for her to even think about settling down. She was broke. She needed to do more with her life. And then she went to grad school twice and lived in the Middle East for two years. Why should she get penalized for working on her education/career and living her own life? She was still trying to learn how to survive in the work world. It wasn’t like she never had boyfriends. But she could be single for a long time and survive although now she was afraid she had swung too far toward permanent independence.
“I mean I’m not going to be Charlotte from Sex and the City, ‘I’ve been dating since I was 15, where is he?’ Fuck that, I don’t want to be pathetic. Nor am I going to be Samantha. My feelings get hurt way too easily for hooking up all the time. Furthermore, I know it’s hip to have a friend with benefits, but I ain’t doing that again. Been there, done that. Crossed that off my list,” Kerry ranted.
“Hey, do whatever works for you, Kerry. There’s nothing wrong with being honest with yourself,” Teresa said. “I mean it’s not like those other people really know what they’re doing.”
“All I know is that I’m going on a total of 50 dates, so far I’ve gone on six thus far. After 50 dates I know that I’ve actually tried to see exactly what is out there. If anyone inquires, well, I will tell them what I did,” Kerry said. “Maybe I’ll even write a story about it and show it to them. Chick lit ain’t for white girls and an occasional black girl or Latina girl anymore. Haha. In the meantime, I will work on my career and hopefully become successful at it.”
“I say go for it, Kerry, you have nothing to lose,” Teresa said.
“As jaded as this sounds, there won’t be a knight in shining armor who will save me. If I don’t like a situation, I will leave. Or it’s the guy who ends up leaving you, you just don’t know, it’s almost like what’s the point? If you’re not having a kid with the guy, which is a whole other can of worms, then what is the goal?” Kerry said. “I mean if a guy can’t be your best friend, you can’t express how you’re feeling without having him just think you’re complaining because apparently that’s what girlfriends are for, I mean as far as I know guys just provide a bunch of solutions if you talk about any problem you have and then they never want to talk about anything. It’s the same story with all of them. When they first meet you they will do anything, ANYTHING to hang out with you, it’s just unbelievable to me. Then when you’re actually in a relationship, it turns out they don’t want to do anything. If you work and don’t rely on him financially since that’s the way the world is working these days, then, seriously, what are we getting at here?”
“You’re on your soapbox, Kerry,” Teresa said.
“If only Danny hadn’t joked about beating me. I told him at the very beginning that I spent two years in the Middle East working on a thesis about the treatment of women in Middle Eastern cultures and that I screened a documentary about feminists in the Middle Eastern countries at my old job. Shit, I really liked him, so I took his word for it. I thought he understood what I was talking about. I mean he’s the one with a college degree in anthropology—not me,” Kerry said.
“He talked about causing you physical harm! Even if it was joke, that’s not acceptable, Kerry, you did the right thing,” Teresa said. “You know Korean culture, including part of Korean American culture, can be very patriarchal and there is a history of domestic violence.”
“I mean I would have overlooked all of his other flaws and I am certainly not saying I am flawless. I just feel like we would have just become another dysfunctional family although we would be English-speaking, American-born Asian Americans. Danny even told me that members of the Kim family were known for having bad tempers and big butts, yeah, guess who fits that bill? Moi. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life fighting with people. That was my childhood,” Kerry said.
“Well, Kerry, you’ve moved on from that now, you will find a guy, I mean it’s going to be 2012 and things are looking up for you. You’ve got a new job, a new career, you’ve got your book, you’ve got your network, you’ve got so much going for you, something good will happen, girl,” Teresa said. “I’ve got to get off the phone, but I’ll
see you soon. Bye!”
“Awww, thanks for listening, bye, T.”
Click.
Six Dates and Counting….
Kerry Lee, the cute but not hot Asian American gal, had been having a fascinating conversation on the Internet with a guy she was about to meet. It just happened to be her day off and she actually had time to curl her hair. Decked out in a leopard print top, black jeans and her cowboy boots from Target, she opened the back door to The Branch, her neighborhood bar, and strolled in.
Just for a split second, a thought crossed her mind. “Could he be the one?” He was definitely cute and she thought: “Is this Bobby Lee-look alike from Mad TV really the same guy online making her laugh hysterically while also having a semi-intellectual conversation with her about Asian Americans at the same time?” No, she couldn’t have such crazy thoughts about him being the one, but she was still blown away nevertheless.
It had been four years since her last boyfriend and she really didn’t know what to think about guys and dating anymore. Apparently she was about to learn about some of the changes to the dating game when people hit their 30s.
“Wow, you look beautiful,” Danny Kim said. Danny was Korean-American originally from Los Angeles and had moved to Arizona to start his own fast food joint in west Phoenix.
Kerry immediately thought: Smooth talker. Possibly full of shit.
“You said not to dress up….” Danny reminded her as they sat down. Danny was wearing a baseball cap, jeans and skater shoes of some sort. Lord, Kerry, said to herself, I really haven’t changed at all. Even though she was 31 and here she was talking to a 32-year-old, she was still looking at someone she may have dated 10 years ago. Two of her boyfriends back in her late teens and early 20s had been skaters.
But for whatever reason, Kerry was smitten. When the server came by, she immediately ordered a beer because she was NERVOUS. When was the last time she was nervous about a guy? Nervous about work. Nervous about networking. Nervous about a job interview. But not nervous about guys in general.
Kerry gripped the pint glass as they chatted. She felt her heart start to race. If you asked her why she was attracted to Danny, she couldn’t explain it. But all she knew was he looked better than his photos online and she wanted to hang out again.
***
Kerry and Danny’s relationship was progressing for several months until the day Danny joked about “beating, pushing, shoving” Kerry. Kerry was stressed out in general. The contract for her job had not been renewed. She needed to look for a new job. That last class in grad school was gnawing at her. Kerry had already called Danny out on his view of women when they first met. “But I love women.” She had occasionally been irritated by his dark sense of humor. Laughing at domestic violence, even admitting at one point that he didn’t really read books written by female authors and making sexist and racist comments that she found unacceptable. Kerry was done. She knew that this was something she could not live with permanently.
Meanwhile, Danny’s fast food restaurant was crumbling. He also started looking for work. Danny eventually landed a job in the entertainment industry in L.A. and moved home with his parents to start paying off his debt.
Kerry was not heart broken but the break up still hurt. She tuned out the rest of the world of her friends and peers who were all settling down into domesticity. Kerry was convinced she wanted to work on her career and date randomly.
She forced herself back into the dating world after Danny moved. She really didn’t want to be in a relationship again for various reasons. However, Kerry needed to get over Danny. For whatever reason, it was easier said than done.
She just wished that she could get rid of the memories of Danny. Three months after the break up she was entirely sick of thinking about him. He was negative, fat, smoked too much, snored too loud, ate too much and she knew in her heart that he was not the right guy. But something kept tugging at her. Was it loneliness or perhaps longing to be with a guy? He was everything she wanted superficially. Hilarious, could talk to anyone, could probably handle himself in most situations that Kerry would encounter and he’d be fine, he was responsible and dependable, he could fix things around house, fix the car and he could talk about Asian American issues, one of Kerry’s interests.
Why did she still feel sore? The break up felt like an annoying mosquito bite that wouldn’t go away. After going to two parties on Halloween weekend, it reminded her of the fact that last Halloween Danny had messaged her online about her “sexy” judge costume that she wore to a party last year that was actually her friend’s college graduation gown. Sadly, her and Danny never made it to any major holidays but perhaps that was a good thing.
The day of Halloween, Kerry was driving home on the freeway from her new job as an English teacher at an inner city high school when she felt the hot tears rolling down her cheeks. Sigh. She was still moping. She hated that. Moping. She still couldn’t fully focus on anything. Her thoughts still drifted to Danny. The cute chubby Korean-American boy that caused her to think about if she really wanted to reproduce. Much of this came from him bringing it up – not her. Sometimes she even felt stressed out about the fact she needed to decide yes or no about having a kid. Kerry totally loved Danny as much as she could in the few months they were together but at this point in Kerry’s life she had been hurt enough personally and professionally that it was hard to dive head first into the relationship.
***
After six dates, she had to report back to her friend, Teresa.
“Hey, grrrlllll, how’s the dating scene?” Teresa asked in her high-pitched Valley girl voice. Teresa was always chipper and always had something to say about dating.
“Details, details, Kerry, I want details.”
“Well, let’s see, hmmm, six dates,” Kerry said.
“Six dates,” Teresa shrieked. “Six dates and you haven’t called me!!”
“Hold your horses, chick-ee, I’ve been busy with my new job teaching crazy teenagers the wonders of the English language, which is the best form of birth control, I tell ya, networking, working on my book, committee work for the Phoenix Organization of Writers, going to the gym to keep up this hot piece of ass and lord knows what else, oh, stupid crap with my house,” Kerry said.
“Tell me about more about these guys, where are they from, white guys? Asian? Mexican? I need more,” Teresa said.
“Six guys, one Korean American, two white guys, one half white, half Korean, one Egyptian who moved here when he was 17, one half Puerto Rican, half Native American from all over the U.S.,” Kerry said.
“And a partridge in a pear tree,” Teresa added.
After the break up, Kerry hopped back onto the Internet and reposted her profile. Shortly thereafter, a Korean American boy from Mesa contacted her. It turned out he was friends with Kerry’s piano teacher’s daughter from first grade. They went out. He reminded her too much of a previous boyfriend, a stereotypical geeky Chinese American boy who worked in IT and loved video games. Plus, it had only been a month after the break up and she just wasn’t ready.
Then came Ben, the half white, half Korean kid from Peoria.
“Ooohh, he sounds hot, you know those half Asian types are the best,” Teresa chimed in.
“You just wait until I tell you about this piece of work,” Kerry snapped.
What was it with these Korean American men? The Korean American population in Phoenix consisted of five people. And she had already met half of them online. At this point, Kerry was done with Korean food and anything related to Korea for the next five years.
On the phone, while discussing where they should meet, Ben made the statement, “Mill Avenue, Mill Avenue, Mill Avenue is in Mesa.” Kerry wanted to say Ben: “Anyone who has lived in Phoenix for more than three weeks knows that Mill Avenue is in Tempe!” That should have been clue number one.
Once Kerry and Ben actually met at a natural history museum in Mesa, it just went downhill from there. Ben looked cute in his photos but he looked okay in person. Then they started talking and walking through the museum. While they looked at pictures of stalactites in caves, Ben proceeded to tell Kerry within 30 minutes of meeting that he went AWOL from the military after Sept. 11 because he disagreed with what was going on in the military and just left one day. He said he was discharged from the military and then he came back to Phoenix to live with his parents. This meant he’d been living with his parents for the last eight years and is now a 29-year-old server at Red Robin!
After they moved into the astronomy room of the museum, Kerry decided that she was entirely bored. But since she made the trip out to downtown Mesa, she was going to make it worth it by walking around downtown. They walked into an antiques store and she listened to more of Ben’s mumbo jumbo. Ben tried to justify why he was living at home and talked about his other friends who were also 29 and living at home. Then, he talked about how disrespectful they were to their parents. The kicker was when Kerry told Ben she needed to leave. Ben, shamelessly asked, “I have a favor to ask of you.”
“What’s that?” Kerry asked.
“Can I get a ride to Mill Avenue?” Kerry gave Ben a puzzled look. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I can’t drive…..” Ben said.
“How did you get here?” Kerry asked
“Oh, my mom, dropped me off,” Ben said slowly.
“Your mom dropped you off?? Wait…you can’t drive?! I’m confused.”
“Well, I got a DUI, my license is suspended.”
“Wait, hold on, how many DUIs do you have?” Kerry was relying on information she had picked up from her days as a crime reporter where she had gone on several DUI ride-a-longs with the police department.
“This is my second one. I was on my way home….”
“Okay, okay, I get it,” Kerry cut him short. “Get in the car….”
“Drunks are always on their way home,” Kerry muttered under her breath. Luckily, Kerry was in a good mood that day. It was Ben’s lucky day—Kerry would have ripped him into shreds for wasting her time had she been PMSing.
“Oh, gawd,” Teresa said five times. “Wow. Unbelievable.”
“Yeah, I was pretty amused. I mean I know that there’s this stereotype that half Asian kids are ridiculously beautiful and intelligent. Well, talk about having ‘the worst of both worlds,’” Kerry said.
“Seriously, so much for those hot hapas,” Teresa laughed. “Okay, tell me more.”
“So, apparently since I have a master’s degree and technically I have two of them, I do, in fact, get some educated guys after you weed through all of the garbage on those free online dating Web sites. I’m not paying for any of that stuff—yet. And I’m not asking for any PhDs but apparently they’re seeking me out,” Kerry said. “Having been in academia for a few years now and after living with a few PhD students, I’ll be frank, I don’t get terribly excited about people with PhDs. Having a college degree or at least some college is great. Anything beyond that I could care less about.”
First came the white PhD student from Vermont who was studying clinical psychology at the local university and the recent PhD graduate in bioengineering who just moved to Phoenix from Pennsylvania.
“I’m going to have to get on my soap box about some of these guys. The average white guy is incredibly boring to me. The average white guy watches football, plays one pick-up sport, has five friends he drinks beer with on weekends, has been out of the country once to Cancun, went to college at some large state university, blah, blah, blah,” Kerry said. “I just went out with two white guys. In terms of education, they were above average. And don’t accuse me of not going out with white guys. Nothing was really wrong with them but I just didn’t connect with either of them. I’ll be the first to tell you I am hard to impress. Just because you’re white doesn’t mean I’m going to kiss the ground you walk on. Heck no. I dated a white, artsy-fartsy, pot-smoking musician for six months when I was living in Tucson in my mid-20s and he was cool but the sex was, well, boring and I also hooked up with, oh wait, never mind…”
“Daammmnnn, chica, what about this whole notion that white guys will treat you better?” Teresa asked.
“It wouldn’t be any better if you’re asleep,” Kerry retorted. “They were both polite, articulate, did all the right things, paid for the drink or the meal, walked me to my car, but I just didn’t feel any sort of connection to either of them. They were decent looking but I wasn’t dying to hang out again. Ya know?”
“What about the other two?” Teresa asked.
Kerry chuckled.
“What?? Do tell.” Teresa said.
“Where do I start?” Kerry said.
There was the engineer by day/musician on the weekends who was totally, totally cute. This one had moved to Alabama from his native Egypt where he got his bachelor’s and master’s degrees in engineering. Then, he married a girl from the United States.
“He’s divorced?” Teresa asked
“Yes, and he’s 28.” Kerry said.
They got divorced because of cultural differences.
“As in Egyptian culture is too patriarchal, blah, blah,” Kerry explained.
“Oh, geez,” Teresa said.
“But here’s the best part, his goal right now besides having a family with kids at some point is to get his American citizenship,” Kerry said.
“What?? Didn’t he marry a girl from the U.S? Teresa asked.
“Yes, but he said he didn’t marry her for that. Unbelievable. He said, ‘Oh, my family, kept telling me I should get it but that’s not why I married her.’ Unreal. I mean they were only married for a year and he said he knew after a month that it wasn’t going to work,” Kerry said. “He shared all of that with me on the FIRST date AND he also asked me if I got mad. Ooohhh….”
Yes, Kerry gets mad and yells at people. Of course this was all within reason. “Oh, so you stand up for yourself?” cute Egyptian boy asked. YES, ESPECIALLY IN RELATIONSHIPS. More so than anywhere else. Everything is on the line in a relationship. You sleep with me then you’re going to know all about me. The good, the bad and the ugly. End of story. Yes, Kerry can be bitch. No, Kerry is not a doormat. Even her high school students at the inner city school knew not to mess with Ms. Lee. They even said they would not want to get into a fight with her. Ms. Lee may be from the suburbs but she’s a fireball if provoked. Does Kerry have issues? Yes, Kerry has issues. Don’t we all?
“Whoa, Kerry, you are intense,” Teresa said.
“I’ll tell you about my favorite,” Kerry said. “But, I do have to add that the Egyptian guy was worth talking to for an hour. I would have totally made out with him if I had the opportunity to do so. And, as a side note, Teresa, he asked me about online dating in general. Basically, he was talking about all of the freaks out there. He had a girl invite him to her house on the first date. No joke.”
“Well, thank gawd, I have Jeff, I can’t imagine dealing with the nut cases out there,” Teresa said.
The “armydoctor” sent her a message on an online dating site. Nearly all of the guys she met online initiated contact. Kerry had tried to message other guys but that never seemed to work. It turned out that the “armydoctor” was a PhD student at the local university who had just done four tours in the Middle East. The half Puerto Rican, half native American had spent the past decade in the Army and was now teaching while researching educational technology.
“Talk about too aggressive. This guy couldn’t stop staring at me when I showed up at the restaurant. He said at one point, ‘Wow, you’re not 200 pounds” because apparently he went out with a girl who was 120 pounds in her pictures but turned out to be 200 pounds,” Kerry said. “On the phone, before we even met, he said ‘If we date, I would want you to carry around mace,’ after I told him I teach at an inner city school. Totally ridiculous. Talk about wanting to be in control.”
After lunch, Kerry suggested they check out Bookman’s down the street. “Armydoctor” had the audacity to pick up a cookbook titled “Asian All the Time” and show it to her and said, “I want to date a high school English teacher who is Asian.”
“I felt like I was in some sort of porn-type movie,” Kerry said. “And HE was the one who suggested we should hang out again at HIS HOUSE.”
“You just didn’t like his style, Kerry, some girls are into guys like that,” Teresa said.
“Well, I’m not, I like to be the one who suggests things, and I usually am the one who is, I know people see me and think ‘Ooooo, nice, little Asian American girl, but, shit, people, I call the shots,’ I’ve always called the shots with all of my boyfriends.”
Armydoctor’s Asian fetish came out during their second meeting at a coffee shop. He suddenly moved into Kerry’s personal space within 10 minutes of seeing her. Kerry told him to move back. The only reason Kerry went out with him again was because he kept calling her. At one point, he left a message asking, “Are you mad at me?” Seriously, Armydoctor. I don’t even know you.
After Kerry told him to move back, the conversation took a turn. He wanted to talk about his feelings. What? We just met. Then, he told she must be inexperienced (total bullshit, Kerry’s personal space was only for guys she was really into) or that she was not attracted to him (partially true then it became entirely true). Then he started to talk about his last relationship with a Vietnamese girl who lived in Oklahoma. Why did you guys break up? Kerry asked. She didn’t want to settle down. Oh, how old is she? 20. 20, who in their right mind would want to settle down at that age? She can’t even drink legally! Well, I’m young at heart, I like cruising, going to clubs, listening to music. Kerry frowned. I wanted to marry her but she didn’t want to settle down. How long were you dating for? Oh, we were friends with benefits. What? When did you guys break up? Three weeks ago. Three weeks ago! What? Haven’t you been online for longer than three weeks? Oh, I’ve been online my entire life. Kerry concluded that Armydoctor was full of shit.
Kerry decided she would walk Armydoctor to his car. I really like Asian girls. What??? Why? I just think they’re more family oriented, they’re polite, all of my best relationships have been with Asian girls. Enough, I don’t like being seen in some weird exotic light. I’m the wrong type of girl for you then. I’m not even interested in having kids or getting married and I can be a total bitch. Oh, well, neither am I, and I don’t think you’re a bitch, you should come over and I’ll cook dinner for you. Right. This is not going to work. There are plenty of other Asian girls out there who will buy into that shit. Kerry got a text and another phone call the week after before he got the hint.
Kerry detested Asian fetish types. She luckily hadn’t come across one in quite some time so it was going to happen again sooner or later. Kerry could care less about white guys who speak Chinese or any other Asian language or had some sort of strange affinity for anything Asian.
“The majority of the Asian American guys in Arizona are not dateable. Most of the Asian Americans guys I’ve dated are Arizona transplants who have grown up in other parts of the United States with larger Asian American populations, meaning bigger cities, and I’m not moving to California or anywhere else for that matter so I can live with my parents or have 10 roommates in the ghetto,” Kerry said. “For the most part I’m not dating anyone from Asia nor do I want to date a guy who has an Asian fetish. Any Asian American girl has been dealing with this shit her entire life.”
“I hear ya, Kerry. That’s why I only go for the white meat,” Teresa said.
“I’m sorry but there are not just too many cultural issues. Don’t get me wrong, there are some attractive guys in Asia and I know there are exceptions, but for the most part, I wouldn’t even go there,” Kerry said. “I mean it would be nice to have a Chinese language partner at my house 24-7 like the white guys or the Asian American guys who can end up with women from Asia. Frankly speaking, in the history of the world, I’ve never heard of an Asian American girl who ends up with a guy from Asia,”
“You’re just too complicated, Kerry. I only go for white guys with money,” Teresa giggled. “I’m a total stereotype. I’m a total gold digger. Now, I ain’t sayin she a gold digger…”
Did Kerry have to go through 10 more break ups in the next decade? By then, she’d be 41. The time spent recovering from relationships could be spent on networking, getting in better shape, developing new skills, working on her book, talking to publishers instead of crying and moping. But maybe she’d have a book published by then? Would it be worth it? Ten break ups and her name and lots of her words in print? Did it matter if there wasn’t a dude with her at her book signings or the annual holiday parties? It’s not as though that would count against her on a resume.
Are relationships overrated? It’s not as though Kerry only had bad relationships.
Kerry had been loved once. Her college boyfriend, Corey, and her spent three years together and every minute of it was worth it. Corey wrote songs about Kerry, they wrote letters to each other every summer, especially when Kerry was abroad one summer, they talked about everything and were best of friends. They would get into fights on occasion but they were always able to figure things out. Corey made Kerry a better person. Sadly, Corey moved back to Hawai’i after he graduated from college. And Kerry wasn’t ready to settle down at 22. Since then, the only person that came even close to what Kerry experienced with Corey was Danny.
Back then, she had big dreams. She wanted to be a reporter and work for The New York Times. Kerry was convinced that was her focus in life—not settling down. The only thing she could think about when she was 25 besides going out was how to further her career. The last thing on her mind was having a serious relationship that would lead to marriage. Moreover, there were too many bumps along the way of her career for her to even think about settling down. She was broke. She needed to do more with her life. And then she went to grad school twice and lived in the Middle East for two years. Why should she get penalized for working on her education/career and living her own life? She was still trying to learn how to survive in the work world. It wasn’t like she never had boyfriends. But she could be single for a long time and survive although now she was afraid she had swung too far toward permanent independence.
“I mean I’m not going to be Charlotte from Sex and the City, ‘I’ve been dating since I was 15, where is he?’ Fuck that, I don’t want to be pathetic. Nor am I going to be Samantha. My feelings get hurt way too easily for hooking up all the time. Furthermore, I know it’s hip to have a friend with benefits, but I ain’t doing that again. Been there, done that. Crossed that off my list,” Kerry ranted.
“Hey, do whatever works for you, Kerry. There’s nothing wrong with being honest with yourself,” Teresa said. “I mean it’s not like those other people really know what they’re doing.”
“All I know is that I’m going on a total of 50 dates, so far I’ve gone on six thus far. After 50 dates I know that I’ve actually tried to see exactly what is out there. If anyone inquires, well, I will tell them what I did,” Kerry said. “Maybe I’ll even write a story about it and show it to them. Chick lit ain’t for white girls and an occasional black girl or Latina girl anymore. Haha. In the meantime, I will work on my career and hopefully become successful at it.”
“I say go for it, Kerry, you have nothing to lose,” Teresa said.
“As jaded as this sounds, there won’t be a knight in shining armor who will save me. If I don’t like a situation, I will leave. Or it’s the guy who ends up leaving you, you just don’t know, it’s almost like what’s the point? If you’re not having a kid with the guy, which is a whole other can of worms, then what is the goal?” Kerry said. “I mean if a guy can’t be your best friend, you can’t express how you’re feeling without having him just think you’re complaining because apparently that’s what girlfriends are for, I mean as far as I know guys just provide a bunch of solutions if you talk about any problem you have and then they never want to talk about anything. It’s the same story with all of them. When they first meet you they will do anything, ANYTHING to hang out with you, it’s just unbelievable to me. Then when you’re actually in a relationship, it turns out they don’t want to do anything. If you work and don’t rely on him financially since that’s the way the world is working these days, then, seriously, what are we getting at here?”
“You’re on your soapbox, Kerry,” Teresa said.
“If only Danny hadn’t joked about beating me. I told him at the very beginning that I spent two years in the Middle East working on a thesis about the treatment of women in Middle Eastern cultures and that I screened a documentary about feminists in the Middle Eastern countries at my old job. Shit, I really liked him, so I took his word for it. I thought he understood what I was talking about. I mean he’s the one with a college degree in anthropology—not me,” Kerry said.
“He talked about causing you physical harm! Even if it was joke, that’s not acceptable, Kerry, you did the right thing,” Teresa said. “You know Korean culture, including part of Korean American culture, can be very patriarchal and there is a history of domestic violence.”
“I mean I would have overlooked all of his other flaws and I am certainly not saying I am flawless. I just feel like we would have just become another dysfunctional family although we would be English-speaking, American-born Asian Americans. Danny even told me that members of the Kim family were known for having bad tempers and big butts, yeah, guess who fits that bill? Moi. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life fighting with people. That was my childhood,” Kerry said.
“Well, Kerry, you’ve moved on from that now, you will find a guy, I mean it’s going to be 2012 and things are looking up for you. You’ve got a new job, a new career, you’ve got your book, you’ve got your network, you’ve got so much going for you, something good will happen, girl,” Teresa said. “I’ve got to get off the phone, but I’ll
see you soon. Bye!”
“Awww, thanks for listening, bye, T.”
Click.
Year in Review 2011
2011 was quite a year. It started at a party at my friend Amanda's house. I remember being frustrated. Just a week prior, my boss had told via e-mail that there may not be funding for my job. It turned she was right several months later. I also went out with a guy a few times who told me he was going to stop by the party at my friend's house but he didn't and it annoyed me.
Things worked out for the best. After I went home, I discovered I had drunken voice mails and e-mail messages in my inbox from the dude. We actually went out the day after that and had a good time. We dated for the next few months and we commuted weekly between Tempe and Avondale, which is about 45 minutes away from each other. I got to celebrate Valentine's Day for the first time in four years and had a pretty good 31st birthday party as well. As silly as that stuff sounds, it meant a lot to me. Four years is a long, long time not to have a relationship at all. Even though we didn't work out, it was 100 percent worth it for me when I look back on it.
In between all of that I looked for a new job, I networked every week through various community organizations all over the Valley, took my last class in the MPA (Master in Public Administration) program, which I started back in 2005. I was a member of the FBI Citizens' Academy, a committee member for the National Association of Asian American Professionals and a member of the City of Scottsdale's China Sister Cities committee and talked to a mentor weekly about my career plans. I got an incomplete in my last class from being totally burned out but managed to talk to the advisor who gave me an extension and I officially got my second master's degree in September!! I also taught Chinese on the side to a couple of kids through a part-time job. I actually went through two break ups to get my MPA degree -- one at the beginning and one at the end. I am still not sure why I even have the degree but if nothing else it showed that I was committed to at least something in my life.
My job ended at the beginning of July and I started my new job a couple of weeks later. In between all of that the dude and I broke up and then got back together briefly before he moved back to L.A. after his business failed. I started teaching high school kids for the first time on August 1, which was the same day he moved. It sucked. Going through a break up and starting a new job/career at the same time really, really sucked. I am hoping I won't have to do both again.
I am the only one who teaches at both campuses at the the school I work at so it was challenging adjusting to two different work environments on top of having not been in a high school setting since I was in high school in the late 90s. The campus in downtown Phoenix, which I totally, totally love now, was a complete nightmare at the beginning. We had one copy machine for the entire K-9 school that broke down at least once a day. The Internet was totally unreliable for the first few months. I didn't have a projector for my classroom and I was not used to writing on a board. I had lost my "nice girl" handwriting after becoming a reporter and I've been trying to revive it. The students didn't have textbooks period. On top of that, the school is a Title I school with more than half of the kids on the reduced lunch program, meaning it's a rough area/school. Don't get me wrong, on a personal level, I really connect with the kids there. Maybe even more than the kids in suburban Mesa who tend get better grades in my class. As of December, I think I'm finally adjusted and I'm finally starting to understand how to discipline kids, plan lessons, communicate with admins and other teachers. Another teacher and I are sharing a projector. YES! All I have to say is teachers should get waaay more credit for what they do. My background is not in education but I'm learning as I go. I've got five more months to go for this school year. I'm enjoying it thus far and I'm trying to take it day by day.
This is the third "start-up" environment I've been in five years. No joke. The grad program I was in Ohio State was an experiment of a few years, the job I had after that was for a program that was in it's third year of existence and this is the first year the 3-year-old charter school I work at is offering ninth grade. I'm sure professionally this is all good for me. I'm definitely more of a self starter than I used to be but it's been challenging nevertheless.
Meanwhile, I pushed myself back into the dating world and went out on six dates. Some of them were down right hilarious. I've documented that in a 10-page story for my friend Monica's Storytelling Project. I will also share that on this blog as well. It's an ongoing story that will continue to evolve. It's certainly a draft so forgive me for all of the problems in the story. It was the only way I could get through the past few months without complaining all day about everything. My new goal is to go on a total of 50 dates in general. There's no deadline for the dates. It's just something I'm doing. If anyone wants to inquire about my "status" that's what I will tell them. Our society is too focused on couplehood that I find it to be rather irritating and given the fact what I've been reading, the trend is that less people are getting married.
Overall, I am proud of myself for dealing with everything in the past few months. I certainly dealt with it better than had
Things worked out for the best. After I went home, I discovered I had drunken voice mails and e-mail messages in my inbox from the dude. We actually went out the day after that and had a good time. We dated for the next few months and we commuted weekly between Tempe and Avondale, which is about 45 minutes away from each other. I got to celebrate Valentine's Day for the first time in four years and had a pretty good 31st birthday party as well. As silly as that stuff sounds, it meant a lot to me. Four years is a long, long time not to have a relationship at all. Even though we didn't work out, it was 100 percent worth it for me when I look back on it.
In between all of that I looked for a new job, I networked every week through various community organizations all over the Valley, took my last class in the MPA (Master in Public Administration) program, which I started back in 2005. I was a member of the FBI Citizens' Academy, a committee member for the National Association of Asian American Professionals and a member of the City of Scottsdale's China Sister Cities committee and talked to a mentor weekly about my career plans. I got an incomplete in my last class from being totally burned out but managed to talk to the advisor who gave me an extension and I officially got my second master's degree in September!! I also taught Chinese on the side to a couple of kids through a part-time job. I actually went through two break ups to get my MPA degree -- one at the beginning and one at the end. I am still not sure why I even have the degree but if nothing else it showed that I was committed to at least something in my life.
My job ended at the beginning of July and I started my new job a couple of weeks later. In between all of that the dude and I broke up and then got back together briefly before he moved back to L.A. after his business failed. I started teaching high school kids for the first time on August 1, which was the same day he moved. It sucked. Going through a break up and starting a new job/career at the same time really, really sucked. I am hoping I won't have to do both again.
I am the only one who teaches at both campuses at the the school I work at so it was challenging adjusting to two different work environments on top of having not been in a high school setting since I was in high school in the late 90s. The campus in downtown Phoenix, which I totally, totally love now, was a complete nightmare at the beginning. We had one copy machine for the entire K-9 school that broke down at least once a day. The Internet was totally unreliable for the first few months. I didn't have a projector for my classroom and I was not used to writing on a board. I had lost my "nice girl" handwriting after becoming a reporter and I've been trying to revive it. The students didn't have textbooks period. On top of that, the school is a Title I school with more than half of the kids on the reduced lunch program, meaning it's a rough area/school. Don't get me wrong, on a personal level, I really connect with the kids there. Maybe even more than the kids in suburban Mesa who tend get better grades in my class. As of December, I think I'm finally adjusted and I'm finally starting to understand how to discipline kids, plan lessons, communicate with admins and other teachers. Another teacher and I are sharing a projector. YES! All I have to say is teachers should get waaay more credit for what they do. My background is not in education but I'm learning as I go. I've got five more months to go for this school year. I'm enjoying it thus far and I'm trying to take it day by day.
This is the third "start-up" environment I've been in five years. No joke. The grad program I was in Ohio State was an experiment of a few years, the job I had after that was for a program that was in it's third year of existence and this is the first year the 3-year-old charter school I work at is offering ninth grade. I'm sure professionally this is all good for me. I'm definitely more of a self starter than I used to be but it's been challenging nevertheless.
Meanwhile, I pushed myself back into the dating world and went out on six dates. Some of them were down right hilarious. I've documented that in a 10-page story for my friend Monica's Storytelling Project. I will also share that on this blog as well. It's an ongoing story that will continue to evolve. It's certainly a draft so forgive me for all of the problems in the story. It was the only way I could get through the past few months without complaining all day about everything. My new goal is to go on a total of 50 dates in general. There's no deadline for the dates. It's just something I'm doing. If anyone wants to inquire about my "status" that's what I will tell them. Our society is too focused on couplehood that I find it to be rather irritating and given the fact what I've been reading, the trend is that less people are getting married.
Overall, I am proud of myself for dealing with everything in the past few months. I certainly dealt with it better than had
Friday, November 4, 2011
Adult Dating
Dating is just plain funny. Some of it is just hysterical. Since I've had my break up for the year, I've decided to start an experiment. Go out with 50 guys. There's no timeline, no time frame, no, I don't care if I have a kid at the moment or in the near future or at all, no, I don't care if I spend my free time with myself or friends, I just don't give a shit. The pressure is off.
If you're not interested, I won't waste my time. I'm old and I don't like dealing with stupid shit. I used to get disappointed when a guy didn't call me. Now I just don't care.
My job keeps me totally busy, I interact with young people enough that it serves as a good form of birth control, I have enough guys telling me their life stories that it makes me think, "thank gawd," I don't have to deal with you. Teaching is just as intense as any job--yes, I get evaluated several times, I have bills to pay, I'm always looking for new opportunities to advance myself, I have multiple bosses, I'm not going to go through a million break ups over the course of a year at a new job. I'm lucky enough to have a paycheck.
When I have bad days, I don't have a boyfriend to call, I don't talk to anyone at lunch/during the work day, no one comes by to bring me anything, I've not had a regular date for major events in years. It's life. I'm used to it. Do I like it? At this point, it's normalcy for me. On the flip side, I do what I please and I've swung so far on the independence scale that it's hard to come back.
Here are some general trends I've noticed when going out with guys:
At this age, in your 30s, apparently, a good chunk of guys have lived with someone, been married, divorced, engaged or had a kid at some point. If not, you've either been in a PhD program or you totally don't have your shit together. I'm generalizing here but that's what I've noticed.
Some guys will tell you upfront they want to have kids, they have some sort of five-year plan that involves a family, or that they're tired of partying and want to be in a relationship. I don't know if they say these things because they think it's what I want to hear but I just never know what to make of it.
It seems to me more of them want to have kids than not. I guess I was under the impression that it was the ladies who wanted kids not guys. Who knows these days?
Other guys want to know if I get angry, um, YES. Believe me, I am entirely capable of ripping people to shreds and I'm not going to hold back. So, yeah, that's who I am. It's not a secret.
Male friends will make comments such as "The pool is getting smaller" or "I still want to find someone/I want someone to share everything with" or some admit that are in fact "picky" (given the divorce rate, yes, you should be, you should try your hardest to figure out what you're getting into as unromantic as it sounds). Obviously, I hope these guys get what they want. But at the same time, most of the people who are still single at this point seem to be people who have a lot going on or at least can hold their own so I'm sure they're going to be fine either way.
If you're not interested, I won't waste my time. I'm old and I don't like dealing with stupid shit. I used to get disappointed when a guy didn't call me. Now I just don't care.
My job keeps me totally busy, I interact with young people enough that it serves as a good form of birth control, I have enough guys telling me their life stories that it makes me think, "thank gawd," I don't have to deal with you. Teaching is just as intense as any job--yes, I get evaluated several times, I have bills to pay, I'm always looking for new opportunities to advance myself, I have multiple bosses, I'm not going to go through a million break ups over the course of a year at a new job. I'm lucky enough to have a paycheck.
When I have bad days, I don't have a boyfriend to call, I don't talk to anyone at lunch/during the work day, no one comes by to bring me anything, I've not had a regular date for major events in years. It's life. I'm used to it. Do I like it? At this point, it's normalcy for me. On the flip side, I do what I please and I've swung so far on the independence scale that it's hard to come back.
Here are some general trends I've noticed when going out with guys:
At this age, in your 30s, apparently, a good chunk of guys have lived with someone, been married, divorced, engaged or had a kid at some point. If not, you've either been in a PhD program or you totally don't have your shit together. I'm generalizing here but that's what I've noticed.
Some guys will tell you upfront they want to have kids, they have some sort of five-year plan that involves a family, or that they're tired of partying and want to be in a relationship. I don't know if they say these things because they think it's what I want to hear but I just never know what to make of it.
It seems to me more of them want to have kids than not. I guess I was under the impression that it was the ladies who wanted kids not guys. Who knows these days?
Other guys want to know if I get angry, um, YES. Believe me, I am entirely capable of ripping people to shreds and I'm not going to hold back. So, yeah, that's who I am. It's not a secret.
Male friends will make comments such as "The pool is getting smaller" or "I still want to find someone/I want someone to share everything with" or some admit that are in fact "picky" (given the divorce rate, yes, you should be, you should try your hardest to figure out what you're getting into as unromantic as it sounds). Obviously, I hope these guys get what they want. But at the same time, most of the people who are still single at this point seem to be people who have a lot going on or at least can hold their own so I'm sure they're going to be fine either way.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Thought I Was Over It
I sold my ex-boyfriend's grill on Craig's List. It was sitting in the backyard along with a bag of charcoal--totally unused. A nice trailer trash family came over and took it away. I'm sure it has a lovely new home now.
You would think I'd feel a sense of relief over it or a sense of a glory, but, no, it just reminded me that I lost my best friend. I think of all my boyfriends as some type of best friend and each time they leave, I tend to feel like I loose a piece of myself.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not wallowing in self pity. In fact, I am handling this break up better than the ones from the past. I went on some pretty hilarious dates just to get myself out there. Some of the guys were completely ridiculous. Went AWOL from the military, getting multiple DUIs, living at home for the last eight years, working at Red Robin at age 29, etc. I've also gone out with legitimate guys--ones with actual jobs/careers but nothing has really sparked my interest.
What am I really doing? Buying time...working on myself. Working on my career. Trying not to rush into anything. Part of me knows that I can be a difficult person. I am being brutally honest here. I find relationships challenging because they really test your beliefs. You can be friends with all types of people with extremely different beliefs than you but the game is different when it comes to an actual relationship. I've also been single on and off for the last 10 years. I survived four years of singlehood for various reasons and I could probably do it again. These days I try to do what's best for me. If that means not being relationship and working on myself--so be it.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I've made the choice to do what I am doing now. I've also realized that you have to spend most of your time entertaining yourself and making yourself happy. I know I haven't fully achieved that but am actively pursuing it. I know having a boyfriend or settling down in general will not make me happier. In some ways, being single does make me happier for some reason, I don't know why but it just does.
You would think I'd feel a sense of relief over it or a sense of a glory, but, no, it just reminded me that I lost my best friend. I think of all my boyfriends as some type of best friend and each time they leave, I tend to feel like I loose a piece of myself.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not wallowing in self pity. In fact, I am handling this break up better than the ones from the past. I went on some pretty hilarious dates just to get myself out there. Some of the guys were completely ridiculous. Went AWOL from the military, getting multiple DUIs, living at home for the last eight years, working at Red Robin at age 29, etc. I've also gone out with legitimate guys--ones with actual jobs/careers but nothing has really sparked my interest.
What am I really doing? Buying time...working on myself. Working on my career. Trying not to rush into anything. Part of me knows that I can be a difficult person. I am being brutally honest here. I find relationships challenging because they really test your beliefs. You can be friends with all types of people with extremely different beliefs than you but the game is different when it comes to an actual relationship. I've also been single on and off for the last 10 years. I survived four years of singlehood for various reasons and I could probably do it again. These days I try to do what's best for me. If that means not being relationship and working on myself--so be it.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I've made the choice to do what I am doing now. I've also realized that you have to spend most of your time entertaining yourself and making yourself happy. I know I haven't fully achieved that but am actively pursuing it. I know having a boyfriend or settling down in general will not make me happier. In some ways, being single does make me happier for some reason, I don't know why but it just does.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Growth
In recent years, I have grown a lot more after a break up than during a relationship. I do not know why but I just have. Being in relationships in general have confirmed that I pretty much can be in one. I can do the phone calls, meet the dude's friends, meet the dude's parents, hang out with the friends, hang out at his house, hang out at my house, go back and forth, whatever the requirements are to having a relationship.
But do I want to get married, be with the same person for the next three decades, be a part of another family? Not really. I don't know why. My own family is okay, slightly dysfunctional but for whatever reason I've never had a huge desire to settle down.
I'm also obsessed with self improvement so perhaps I'm just taking my time I suppose.
But do I want to get married, be with the same person for the next three decades, be a part of another family? Not really. I don't know why. My own family is okay, slightly dysfunctional but for whatever reason I've never had a huge desire to settle down.
I'm also obsessed with self improvement so perhaps I'm just taking my time I suppose.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
On That Note
Break ups suck. It doesn't matter what age you are or what situation you're in, they jut plain suck. An older lady at the funeral I was at gave me this advice after talking about another gal who is my age and currently boyfriend-less after a break up.
It wasn't like I was asking for advice, but she said: "It doesn't really matter if you have a boyfriend or not." （我们是过来人 or someone who has been around the block） "As someone who's been around the block, I can tell you at this age, it's not going to matter, my husband is great and all, but what's more important is that you have to be able to support yourself."
It wasn't like I was asking for advice, but she said: "It doesn't really matter if you have a boyfriend or not." （我们是过来人 or someone who has been around the block） "As someone who's been around the block, I can tell you at this age, it's not going to matter, my husband is great and all, but what's more important is that you have to be able to support yourself."
Life is Short
I went to the funeral of a family friend today. It was well attended, we're talking standing-room only. She was the publisher of the only bilingual Asian American/Chinese newspaper in Arizona so all the key players in the Phoenix Chinese/Chinese American community were there.
She died unexpectedly--in a car accident. Certainly, everyone is devastated, especially her husband and her two adult children.
Of course sitting there in one of the pews at her funeral made me think as cliche as it sounds: life is short. Live. Live as much as you can. Sometimes things work out and sometimes things just don't. It's hard to accept the fact that some things don't work out. Jobs, relationships, opportunities, sometimes they just don't. I keep telling myself that there are things that do work out eventually.
She died unexpectedly--in a car accident. Certainly, everyone is devastated, especially her husband and her two adult children.
Of course sitting there in one of the pews at her funeral made me think as cliche as it sounds: life is short. Live. Live as much as you can. Sometimes things work out and sometimes things just don't. It's hard to accept the fact that some things don't work out. Jobs, relationships, opportunities, sometimes they just don't. I keep telling myself that there are things that do work out eventually.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Brutal Honesty
Dear World,
I AM NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE.
As of this past year, I swear that this is what everyone in my age group talks about. Ok, ok, not every single person but a lot of people.
I may be the only 31-year-old gal out there who actually believes in the fact that SHE IS NOT READY TO SETTLE DOWN. I realize I am behind the curve but you know what? I'd rather wait than get myself into a jam with some dude that I'll end up hating forever.
No, it's not because I've had a lot of bad relationships. No, it's not because I'm unattractive. No, it's not because I hate men. No, it's not because I've never been in love.
I'm just not ready. There's nothing wrong with dating-going out and having a good time-that's the easy stuff. I'm talking about values, beliefs, how your household will function, in-laws, property, blah, blah, I'm just not ready to deal with that shit.
Ok, maybe I haven't met the right guy. But then again, you kind of have to be ready for it too. You could meet the right guy and not be ready. I mean, seriously.
I tend to worry a lot about work and my career--figuring out more opportunities or what the ideal situation is or at least I'm still chasing that career dream--whatever that is or will end up being.
Furthermore, that whole kid thing. I am torn. The truth is I don't know if I want to have kids. Part of me is thinks "hell no" and the other part of me thinks "What if I miss out?" Yes, I realize I could adopt a kid from China. It'll sort of look like me (like anyone is going to know the difference, haha) and that could suffice. However, what if I want that experience before I die? Any time I have a boyfriend, of course, I think, "Oh, that might be a good idea, but then I come to my senses and I think, okay, maybe not." I mean that's the whole point of dating, right?
I realize that marriage is a ton of work. Yours truly is not ready to take on that work. There, I said it. I am selfish with my time, I am not interested in compromising and I don't want to take on any one else's problems, debt, family issues, etc. Sorry. I just don't. I am realistic about marriage. It's not about the ceremony and the honeymoon. That's the easy stuff. Yeah, I'm critical, cynical, whatever, whatever, but that is what I believe. I'm just not ready -- the thought of standing in a kitchen cooking every night (and, yes, I can cook just fine but it doesn't mean I love it), compromising what I believe in/my free time, I can't stomach it right now.
I wish people would just understand.
I AM NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE.
As of this past year, I swear that this is what everyone in my age group talks about. Ok, ok, not every single person but a lot of people.
I may be the only 31-year-old gal out there who actually believes in the fact that SHE IS NOT READY TO SETTLE DOWN. I realize I am behind the curve but you know what? I'd rather wait than get myself into a jam with some dude that I'll end up hating forever.
No, it's not because I've had a lot of bad relationships. No, it's not because I'm unattractive. No, it's not because I hate men. No, it's not because I've never been in love.
I'm just not ready. There's nothing wrong with dating-going out and having a good time-that's the easy stuff. I'm talking about values, beliefs, how your household will function, in-laws, property, blah, blah, I'm just not ready to deal with that shit.
Ok, maybe I haven't met the right guy. But then again, you kind of have to be ready for it too. You could meet the right guy and not be ready. I mean, seriously.
I tend to worry a lot about work and my career--figuring out more opportunities or what the ideal situation is or at least I'm still chasing that career dream--whatever that is or will end up being.
Furthermore, that whole kid thing. I am torn. The truth is I don't know if I want to have kids. Part of me is thinks "hell no" and the other part of me thinks "What if I miss out?" Yes, I realize I could adopt a kid from China. It'll sort of look like me (like anyone is going to know the difference, haha) and that could suffice. However, what if I want that experience before I die? Any time I have a boyfriend, of course, I think, "Oh, that might be a good idea, but then I come to my senses and I think, okay, maybe not." I mean that's the whole point of dating, right?
I realize that marriage is a ton of work. Yours truly is not ready to take on that work. There, I said it. I am selfish with my time, I am not interested in compromising and I don't want to take on any one else's problems, debt, family issues, etc. Sorry. I just don't. I am realistic about marriage. It's not about the ceremony and the honeymoon. That's the easy stuff. Yeah, I'm critical, cynical, whatever, whatever, but that is what I believe. I'm just not ready -- the thought of standing in a kitchen cooking every night (and, yes, I can cook just fine but it doesn't mean I love it), compromising what I believe in/my free time, I can't stomach it right now.
I wish people would just understand.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
The Model Minority Myth
Among Asian Americans, the overachieving, model-minority myth is certainly nothing new. Plenty of Chinese Americans from what I've seen buy into it. Always being the best at everything, never settling for less than an "A," first place or else, etc. After living in China for a year, I can see where it all stems from. The entire culture breeds constant comparisons between people, competition, criticism--all in the effort to make people supposedly better.
Personally, nothing could be further from the truth for me. I will be the first to tell you that I am not a very nice Chinese American gal. I don't always do as I'm told. I can be mean, bitchy and I don't always have my shit together. Despite the fact I have actually learned Chinese, I don't buy into Chinese culture. I actually disagree with a lot of what the culture stands for and I'm not sorry about it. I do not approve of Tiger Moms, Parents, Coaches, etc. I understand that behind every successful student, athlete, actor, anything, there's a Tiger-something challenging them to do better. I get it. However, it's not for me. I'm 31 and really, highly doubt that I'm going to change significantly.
I know a lot of Asian Americans out there thank their Tiger Moms for making them the successful human beings they are today but the fact of the matter is I didn't always enjoy that Tiger parenting as a kid. My dad was the Tiger parent, not my mom, and I felt like it actually negatively impacted me in the long run. More on this soon....
Personally, nothing could be further from the truth for me. I will be the first to tell you that I am not a very nice Chinese American gal. I don't always do as I'm told. I can be mean, bitchy and I don't always have my shit together. Despite the fact I have actually learned Chinese, I don't buy into Chinese culture. I actually disagree with a lot of what the culture stands for and I'm not sorry about it. I do not approve of Tiger Moms, Parents, Coaches, etc. I understand that behind every successful student, athlete, actor, anything, there's a Tiger-something challenging them to do better. I get it. However, it's not for me. I'm 31 and really, highly doubt that I'm going to change significantly.
I know a lot of Asian Americans out there thank their Tiger Moms for making them the successful human beings they are today but the fact of the matter is I didn't always enjoy that Tiger parenting as a kid. My dad was the Tiger parent, not my mom, and I felt like it actually negatively impacted me in the long run. More on this soon....
Friday, April 8, 2011
Progress
I discovered today that I've made progress since high school. FINALLY.
I was up in Flagstaff today attending a conference for work at NAU when I realized that the last time I was in Flagstaff was in the summer of 1998.
I picked up a copy of the Lumberjack, NAU's student newspaper, and it brought back a flood of memories from the 10 days I spent at journalism camp at NAU. We lived in one of the dorms, ate at the cafeteria like one of the big college kids, and produced a newspaper.
I could barely write one article at that point--let alone dozens. I had never lived on my own at that point. I had never had a boyfriend nor a heartbreak at that point (yeah, late bloomer but made up for it). I had never had an argument with a roommate, a boss, a colleague at that point. I had never ran a 5k, worked out at a gym regularly, taken a firefighting test at that point. I had not lived in China for a year at that point. i had never read a book in Chinese at that point.
I learned a ton at that journalism camp for minority high school students. In fact, it led me to my first job in college, which was a reporter for the Arizona Daily Wildcat. Regardless, my point is not about the journalism experience but the fact that I've actually progressed a lot since I was 18 when I used to wear black Vans and a blue hoodie every single day and was too shy to talk to anyone until now as a hopefully wiser 31-year-old.
Perhaps I have grown up after all this time (sigh of relief).
I was up in Flagstaff today attending a conference for work at NAU when I realized that the last time I was in Flagstaff was in the summer of 1998.
I picked up a copy of the Lumberjack, NAU's student newspaper, and it brought back a flood of memories from the 10 days I spent at journalism camp at NAU. We lived in one of the dorms, ate at the cafeteria like one of the big college kids, and produced a newspaper.
I could barely write one article at that point--let alone dozens. I had never lived on my own at that point. I had never had a boyfriend nor a heartbreak at that point (yeah, late bloomer but made up for it). I had never had an argument with a roommate, a boss, a colleague at that point. I had never ran a 5k, worked out at a gym regularly, taken a firefighting test at that point. I had not lived in China for a year at that point. i had never read a book in Chinese at that point.
I learned a ton at that journalism camp for minority high school students. In fact, it led me to my first job in college, which was a reporter for the Arizona Daily Wildcat. Regardless, my point is not about the journalism experience but the fact that I've actually progressed a lot since I was 18 when I used to wear black Vans and a blue hoodie every single day and was too shy to talk to anyone until now as a hopefully wiser 31-year-old.
Perhaps I have grown up after all this time (sigh of relief).
Sunday, April 3, 2011
More Thoughts About Feminism
I am not an expert on feminism. I took two women's studies classes in college, which were both cross-listed in the history and political science departments. I never finished reading Betty Freidan's The Feminine Mystique-- I tried reading it twice and just could not get through the book.
However, there are a couple of points I would like to make about feminism that have influenced society today.
1) The Pill/birth control. I realize that a lot of guys will shy away from anything that is related to feminism or women's issues. The mere reference to anything female-related beyond the superficial just freaks some guys out. However, the truth of the matter is that without the Pill, a lot us would be knocked up/baby daddies/mamas by now. Thanks to feminism, the Pill is widely available to everyone in this country with or without insurance and it's affordable too. Now, I don't know about the historical accuracy of Mad Men, but the secretary who was hired at Don Draper's firm goes to the doctor in the first episode gets a prescription for birth control and the doctor tells her that it'll cost her $11. Certainly, inflation has occurred numerous times since the 60s but somehow the Pill isn't significantly more expensive than $11 today. Now, guys, think about how many times your asses have been saved because of the Pill. Nowadays, you can meet a girl at XYZ bar and hook up with her that same night in your apartment or her apartment and never see her again and since she's on the Pill, it saves her from getting pregnant. The chances of you getting a phone call a month later from some stranger telling you that you're going to be a baby daddy has decreased significantly because of the Pill.
2) Title IX. Now this is for all the guys who drool at the sight of that hot female volleyball player. Thanks to feminism we have female athletes -- Title IX had a direct impact on high school and collegiate athletics.
"Although the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was originally written in order to end discrimination based on race, color, or national origin, the act tremendously helped to energize the women’s rights movement which had somewhat slowed after women’s suffrage in 1920.[2] On the same token, while Title IX is best known for its impact on high school and collegiate athletics, the original statute made no explicit mention of sports.[3]" This is from Wikipedia. You can easily read more about Title IX on the Internet.
Title IX is controversial and some believe it may have hurt male athletes but regardless without it we wouldn't have the female athletes we have now. Believe me, Title IX doesn't exist in China or the rest of Asia. Except for Olympic athletes, I rarely see any Chinese women engage in sports. I would see some women run at the gym, dance, do aerobics but nothing too intense. Yes, women walk way more in China than they do here and probably have healthier diets, yet the women don't do a ton unless they are poor and have to work jobs that require physical activity. Interestingly enough, Patsy Mink, a Congresswoman who is Japanese American from Hawai'i, spearheaded Title IX.
However, there are a couple of points I would like to make about feminism that have influenced society today.
1) The Pill/birth control. I realize that a lot of guys will shy away from anything that is related to feminism or women's issues. The mere reference to anything female-related beyond the superficial just freaks some guys out. However, the truth of the matter is that without the Pill, a lot us would be knocked up/baby daddies/mamas by now. Thanks to feminism, the Pill is widely available to everyone in this country with or without insurance and it's affordable too. Now, I don't know about the historical accuracy of Mad Men, but the secretary who was hired at Don Draper's firm goes to the doctor in the first episode gets a prescription for birth control and the doctor tells her that it'll cost her $11. Certainly, inflation has occurred numerous times since the 60s but somehow the Pill isn't significantly more expensive than $11 today. Now, guys, think about how many times your asses have been saved because of the Pill. Nowadays, you can meet a girl at XYZ bar and hook up with her that same night in your apartment or her apartment and never see her again and since she's on the Pill, it saves her from getting pregnant. The chances of you getting a phone call a month later from some stranger telling you that you're going to be a baby daddy has decreased significantly because of the Pill.
2) Title IX. Now this is for all the guys who drool at the sight of that hot female volleyball player. Thanks to feminism we have female athletes -- Title IX had a direct impact on high school and collegiate athletics.
"Although the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was originally written in order to end discrimination based on race, color, or national origin, the act tremendously helped to energize the women’s rights movement which had somewhat slowed after women’s suffrage in 1920.[2] On the same token, while Title IX is best known for its impact on high school and collegiate athletics, the original statute made no explicit mention of sports.[3]" This is from Wikipedia. You can easily read more about Title IX on the Internet.
Title IX is controversial and some believe it may have hurt male athletes but regardless without it we wouldn't have the female athletes we have now. Believe me, Title IX doesn't exist in China or the rest of Asia. Except for Olympic athletes, I rarely see any Chinese women engage in sports. I would see some women run at the gym, dance, do aerobics but nothing too intense. Yes, women walk way more in China than they do here and probably have healthier diets, yet the women don't do a ton unless they are poor and have to work jobs that require physical activity. Interestingly enough, Patsy Mink, a Congresswoman who is Japanese American from Hawai'i, spearheaded Title IX.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
In Memory of Geraldine Ferraro
In memory of former vice presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro, I'm going to take a moment to address my thoughts on feminism today.
Unfortunately, at this point in time, feminism still conjures up images of angry, bra-burning women with shaved heads/unshaved armpits who hate men and anything related to the patriarchy.
I myself believe in feminist ideals. I am not anti-men, anti-family, anti-children, anti-organized sports, etc. I am much more realistic than that and I realize being anti-everything will get you nowhere. Believe me, I was a hippie college kid at one time and have thankfully grown out of that stage. I still have streaks at times but it's generally under control.
Regardless, I still believe that there's a ways to go for women to achieve actual equality in this country and around the world. Despite the fact women are graduating from college and graduate schools in record numbers, they still lag behind men in the work world when it comes to pay and positions in management.
Biologically, women and men are different. There's no question about that. We are also socialized differently from day one--sure, there may be exceptions but in general we are socialized differently. Both of these factors contribute to the inequality. Women obviously are the ones who carry offspring for nine months, experience childbirth and generally spend more of their time with young children during the early years. This time takes them away from the work world. Some women leave the work world for a period of time, others never return and there are the brave ones who balance both work and children.
Moreover, girls are often socialized to be passive, agreeable, nice -- characteristics that don't work well in the work world. This isn't really an issue when girls are in school because it's well known now that they can work just as hard as the guys or work even harder and have results to show for it. However, if she's aggressive at work, then she can be seen as a bitchy, go-getter, a threat to the guys and no longer feminine. Or maybe she's single (and that's just so sad versus guys can be bachelors with less of a stigma). The most intense competition for women is really among themselves and it's really when they are vying for men. All bets are off, and it's okay to do whatever it takes to score the dude.
Certainly, I'm not a femi-nazi and I don't belong to any women's organizations where we meet secretly to talk about how much we hate men. There are plenty of successful women who would never label themselves as feminists but they are definitely upholding certain feminist ideals--negotiating business deals, exerting aggressive behavior to get the job done or sticking up for themselves against a bunch of guys. Encouraging the notion that women should continue to strive for equality in this day and age is something I find perfectly reasonable.
Unfortunately, at this point in time, feminism still conjures up images of angry, bra-burning women with shaved heads/unshaved armpits who hate men and anything related to the patriarchy.
I myself believe in feminist ideals. I am not anti-men, anti-family, anti-children, anti-organized sports, etc. I am much more realistic than that and I realize being anti-everything will get you nowhere. Believe me, I was a hippie college kid at one time and have thankfully grown out of that stage. I still have streaks at times but it's generally under control.
Regardless, I still believe that there's a ways to go for women to achieve actual equality in this country and around the world. Despite the fact women are graduating from college and graduate schools in record numbers, they still lag behind men in the work world when it comes to pay and positions in management.
Biologically, women and men are different. There's no question about that. We are also socialized differently from day one--sure, there may be exceptions but in general we are socialized differently. Both of these factors contribute to the inequality. Women obviously are the ones who carry offspring for nine months, experience childbirth and generally spend more of their time with young children during the early years. This time takes them away from the work world. Some women leave the work world for a period of time, others never return and there are the brave ones who balance both work and children.
Moreover, girls are often socialized to be passive, agreeable, nice -- characteristics that don't work well in the work world. This isn't really an issue when girls are in school because it's well known now that they can work just as hard as the guys or work even harder and have results to show for it. However, if she's aggressive at work, then she can be seen as a bitchy, go-getter, a threat to the guys and no longer feminine. Or maybe she's single (and that's just so sad versus guys can be bachelors with less of a stigma). The most intense competition for women is really among themselves and it's really when they are vying for men. All bets are off, and it's okay to do whatever it takes to score the dude.
Certainly, I'm not a femi-nazi and I don't belong to any women's organizations where we meet secretly to talk about how much we hate men. There are plenty of successful women who would never label themselves as feminists but they are definitely upholding certain feminist ideals--negotiating business deals, exerting aggressive behavior to get the job done or sticking up for themselves against a bunch of guys. Encouraging the notion that women should continue to strive for equality in this day and age is something I find perfectly reasonable.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Stay Tuned...
Other topics I plan on writing about:
The passing of Geraldine Ferraro/Thoughts about Feminism
How I got interested in the Asian American Experience
My disapproval of certain Asian American authors
Topics girls my age like to talk about
The passing of Geraldine Ferraro/Thoughts about Feminism
How I got interested in the Asian American Experience
My disapproval of certain Asian American authors
Topics girls my age like to talk about
Thoughts about the UCLA Video Incident
Asian Americans in the United States are not known for getting respect from mainstream America.
We are mocked in pop culture. We are one dimensional characters in films. Our women are exoticized. Our men are emasculated.
This is not news for those of us who have been here our entire lives. Certainly, we are respected for our work ethic, our academic achievements, our supposed pull-ourselves-by-the boot-straps successes where Asian immigrants come to America with nothing and make it to the middle class in one generation. These are all stereotypes, of course. Regardless if they are positive or negative -- they are assumptions about a group of people.
Despite the fact that this group of people can all trace their ancestry to the great continent of Asia, the various Asian sub-groups out there could not be any more diverse. Even among East Asians, the Chinese, Japanese and Koreans and Vietnamese, societies heavily rooted in Confucianism where the value of hard work or education trump pretty much everything except one's own family, there are definitive differences between each society. Sadly, much of America doesn't know this.
What Alexandra Wallace said did not only offend Asian international students at the library at UCLA. This extends to all university libraries across the great nation of ours. Let me point out something here: Without these Asian international students, we, the United States of America, would not be able to boast of all of our Nobel Prize winners in the sciences and all of those high-tech companies in Silicon Valley. These students fill our engineering departments and many become naturalized American citizens who have children like myself who become just as American as the next guy/gal.
For us American-born types, we expect that respect. It's not a question for us. Our blood is American blood regardless the color of our skin. We're not moving to Asia. We only care and know about what's going on here.
Recently, I spent a year living in China where I watched television religiously. A television program actually discussed the brain drain in China and showed photographs of all those Chinese Nobel Prize winners who live abroad and wondered what China was going to do about the loss of talent. Many of these winners were Chinese international students in the United States at one time or the children of international students.
If we don't start giving people some respect, they'll be gone in a jiffy. Seriously.
As I told several friends, if this happened to the African American community, another type of response would have ensued. The NAACP would have been called. Jesse Jackson would have preached and ranted. Even our own president-- even if he didn't want to get involved-- would have had to make a public statement. Certainly, the history between blacks and whites versus Asians and whites is different. But my own immediate reaction is that it would have been different.
Ok, so UCLA may not have been disciplined her. But, indirectly, she was told that her behavior was unacceptable. Her leaving UCLA is a small victory.
I am encouraged by what I see. Certainly, I am not saying there isn't more work to be done to eradicate rampant stereotyping.
But for once justice is served.
We are mocked in pop culture. We are one dimensional characters in films. Our women are exoticized. Our men are emasculated.
This is not news for those of us who have been here our entire lives. Certainly, we are respected for our work ethic, our academic achievements, our supposed pull-ourselves-by-the boot-straps successes where Asian immigrants come to America with nothing and make it to the middle class in one generation. These are all stereotypes, of course. Regardless if they are positive or negative -- they are assumptions about a group of people.
Despite the fact that this group of people can all trace their ancestry to the great continent of Asia, the various Asian sub-groups out there could not be any more diverse. Even among East Asians, the Chinese, Japanese and Koreans and Vietnamese, societies heavily rooted in Confucianism where the value of hard work or education trump pretty much everything except one's own family, there are definitive differences between each society. Sadly, much of America doesn't know this.
What Alexandra Wallace said did not only offend Asian international students at the library at UCLA. This extends to all university libraries across the great nation of ours. Let me point out something here: Without these Asian international students, we, the United States of America, would not be able to boast of all of our Nobel Prize winners in the sciences and all of those high-tech companies in Silicon Valley. These students fill our engineering departments and many become naturalized American citizens who have children like myself who become just as American as the next guy/gal.
For us American-born types, we expect that respect. It's not a question for us. Our blood is American blood regardless the color of our skin. We're not moving to Asia. We only care and know about what's going on here.
Recently, I spent a year living in China where I watched television religiously. A television program actually discussed the brain drain in China and showed photographs of all those Chinese Nobel Prize winners who live abroad and wondered what China was going to do about the loss of talent. Many of these winners were Chinese international students in the United States at one time or the children of international students.
If we don't start giving people some respect, they'll be gone in a jiffy. Seriously.
As I told several friends, if this happened to the African American community, another type of response would have ensued. The NAACP would have been called. Jesse Jackson would have preached and ranted. Even our own president-- even if he didn't want to get involved-- would have had to make a public statement. Certainly, the history between blacks and whites versus Asians and whites is different. But my own immediate reaction is that it would have been different.
Ok, so UCLA may not have been disciplined her. But, indirectly, she was told that her behavior was unacceptable. Her leaving UCLA is a small victory.
I am encouraged by what I see. Certainly, I am not saying there isn't more work to be done to eradicate rampant stereotyping.
But for once justice is served.
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